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Thursday, November 22, 2007
Candid yams contain truth serum

RALEIGH – A team of scientists from North Carolina State University and the University of North Carolina announced today a discovery that may explain why so many Thanksgiving dinners go downhill so fast and end so unpleasantly.

The team of biologists and chemists determined that yams (Dioscorea species) -- which are often very mistakenly called sweetpotatoes (Ipomoea batatas) -- contain a precursor to truth serum (sodium pentothal). This chemical (sodium quattrothal) reacts with agents in the toasted marshmallows, a sweet confection of a spongy consistency traditionally used as a topping on holiday yam sidedish preparations. In the heat of an oven, the chemicals in each combine to form the complete truth serum molecule.

When consumed in sufficient quantities, a generous second helping is usually enough, the sodium pentothal takes effect. The honest comments then follow. These moments of candidness, say UNC’s sociologists who observed over 200 Thanksgiving dinners in their natural setting, lead directly to the sticky messes that followed.

"Every dinner we observed ended when Uncle Pete stormed out of the house, after Cousin Suzanne told a story about that summer at Grandma's house, and the 'wellhouse incident'," said UNC's noted social psychologist, Darko Milosovic. This happened consistently when candid yams were served but never, during any of the almost 100 family holiday dinners observed, when sweetpotato casserole was served instead.

NC State nutritionist Gordon Flattus said that though the two vegetables are visually similar, the yam has more natural sugar (and, thus, calories) and less vitamins A and C (both antioxidants). So, sweetpotatoes are the better choice nutritionally -- and socially.

A social environmental impact study of cost of candid yam sidedishes (as compared to a baseline of sweetpotato casserole) showed that candid yams have social costs of $6.6 billion per year in the U.S. alone.

Obesity and its attendant medical woes, such as diabetes and heart disease, caused $1.6 billion of these costs. The bigger costs, heretofore unmeasured, related to domestic violence (including number of police calls, days in jail and prison, and criminal court costs) amounted to $2.2 billion per year.

But, in a finding that surprised even the multi-disciplinary research team, the costs of civil litigation amounted to $2.8 billion per year. Many of these costs had not been noted before as they are lagged, often by years, and so didn't appear in the more typical short-term study.

The team's legal expert, UNC’s Stephen B. Gruber, said the obvious libel and divorce suits were a factor, the biggest impacts came from previously unnoted contentious will caveats and the extended time that estates stayed open in the candid-yam families.

"Among the candid-yam families, many estates with larger pools of heirs were completely drained of their resources before the multiple suits, claims, caveats and counterclaims were settled," said attorney Gruber.

In the end, in most cases, only the lawyers got any money, said Gruber.

Earlier family studies research had attributed holiday discord to excess consumption of alcoholic beverages, especially mulled wine, spiked eggnog and, among families of Scandanavian descent, glögg.

However, these ethyl-based theories were never fully accepted as they failed to account for the holiday blowups among AA members and conservative Baptists. Candid yams, the team pointed out, do.

According to noted food historian, Waverly Root, the historic shift from sweetpotatoes to yams in confectionary desserts and sidedishes pre-dates the meteoric rise in non-personal injury lawsuits by the same 8- to 10-year lag found in the NCSU/UNC study.


My name is Gary D. Gaddy and I approved the preceding announcement. Paid for by the Committee to Elect Gaddy Official Town Dunce.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thanksgiving Day, Thursday November 22, 2007.

Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:47 AM EST
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Monday, November 12, 2007
Energy independence in eight years

ONE OF THE CURRENT CROP OF PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES says that he will bring energy independence to the United States "by the end of his second term." Believe it or not, the candidate is a Republican.

Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas, says the first thing he will do as President is send Congress a comprehensive plan for energy independence -- and that we will achieve energy independence by the end of his second term.

Huckabee says energy independence is vital to achieving success both in the war on terror and in the global economy, aiding both our security and our prosperity. To achieve it, he says, we will have to explore and conserve, and pursue all avenues of alternative energy: nuclear, wind, solar, hydrogen, clean coal, biodiesel and biomass.

The man makes sense to me, even if he does set very ambitious goals. As the richest and most technologically advanced society in the history of the world, who says we can't? Who says we shouldn't try?

How would we do it? Here are some of my suggestions. We start with tax incentives for cost-effective conservation. Then by applying the technology we have now and accelerating that which is now under development, including cost-effective fuel cells that could provide pollution- and carbon-free power. The government would provide much greater direct and indirect incentives for such research.

The government would mandate – for itself – technologies it wants to bring to consumers. For example, every vehicle the government purchases should be a hybrid. I am generally for free markets operating unfettered but "sin" taxes on activities with social costs (like pollution that leads to disease) and tax breaks for activities with social benefits (like energy savings that lead to less pollution and energy independence) make social sense.

If you say it can't be done that fast, consider this: Brazil is close to energy independent -- now. How? Brazil makes ethanol for about $1 a gallon, according to the World Bank. Ethanol accounts for about 20% of Brazil's transport fuel market. Gasoline use has actually declined since the late 1970s. Making these changes wasn't free, but it was affordable for Brazil, so you might think it would be for us as well.

France produces its electricity almost without any fossil fuel. How? Nuclear power. France launched a nuclear program dating back to 1973 and the "oil crisis." France's 59 nuclear plants now generate 78% of its electricity, and it is the world's largest net exporter of electricity due to its very low generation costs

Iceland is moving towards a total "hydrogen economy." How? Using geothermal energy, which currently produces about 26% of that country's electricity, and meets the heating and hot water requirements for around 87% of the nation's housing. Recently an MIT panel said that the thermal energy in the Earth's hard rock crust could supply a substantial portion of U.S. electricity needs, probably at competitive prices and with minimal environmental impact.

Hydroelectricity now supplies about 19% of world electric power. Some estimate the world’s potential for hydroelectric power generation to be three times the current installed base. The U.S. is said to have exploited only half its hydro potential

Estonia's current shale oil shale accounts for about 95% of its electrical generation. Total world resources of oil shale are thought to be enough to yield about three trillion U.S. barrels of oil. The U.S. accounts for 62% of world resources.

Research into effective methods of sequestering carbon dioxide could produce "clean coal," a mineral resource we also have in great abundance.

When I visited Sicily last fall, large parts of the island were covered with wind farms. Many places in America could be too. Solar water heaters sat on nearly every roof there. Many parts of the southern U.S. could look that way too.

We are just one governmental nudge away from photo-voltaic technology in the form of roof shingles being economically feasible. Every house could provide much of its own power with its roof.

The medians of American highways could be growing plants which can be converted in fuel.

And the list of solutions could go, not the least of which is nuclear fusion which offers the possibility of virtually unlimited energy -- even if in the distant future.

David Brooks, a sensible conservative and a fan of Huckabee, says that Huckabee "vows, absurdly, to make the U.S. energy independent within eight years." Well, perhaps absurdly. But, consider that on May 25, 1961, President John F. Kennedy presented this challenge to America: Let’s send a man to the moon by the end of the decade. Just in case you have forgotten, on July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong stepped on the lunar surface.


Gary D. Gaddy helped build a solar-heated house in 1973 and co-founded a solar and energy conservation company in 1977.

A version of this article was published in the News & Observer (Raleigh) on Monday November 12, 2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:23 AM EST
Updated: Monday, November 12, 2007 7:28 AM EST
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Thursday, November 8, 2007
18 holes leading to golf addiction

IT IS VERY CLEAR THAT GOLF IS ADDICTIVE, very addictive -- on the same order of addictiveness as crack or heroin -- though perhaps a little more expensive. I know because I live in a family riddled with golf addicts. My dad, God bless his soul, is the clearest example.

When other people in casual conversation tell me that their father is a "golf addict," I carefully and kindly correct them.

"Compared my dad," I say, "your dad ain't addicted to nothin', pipsqueak."

My father, Clifford Garland Gaddy, Sr., M.D., may well be America’s leading golf addict. The following actual incident from his life should make this incontrovertible.

My father attended Wake Forest College, whose most famous alumnus is, not coincidentally, Arnold Palmer. In support of the school, at age 78, Dad entered the Brian Piccolo Classic charity golf tournament, which operated sort of like a walk-a-thon where you played as many holes as you could in one day. Sandra and I pledged $5 a hole. Thirty six times five. I figured we'd owe $180.

My dad played 100 holes of golf. His average score per round was in the low 80s, believe it or not.

But that’s not the kicker. My dear mother had driven the cart for him. After 100 holes, there was still light, so he said, "Inez, would you like to play some?" She said yes. So, he played 18 more holes with her "for fun."

That’s 118 holes in one day. That’s $590 that we owed. My dad raised a lot of money from the friends and family he suckered into enabling him.

Do understand that the tragedy of my father’s golf addled life need not be a life lived in vain. To avoid the rough life that he has had to endure, simply avoid the many traps that he has fallen into.

Avoid these 18 holes, and get control of your golf addiction!

Hole 1. Don't deny it. You're addicted and you can't do anything about it. My dad thinks he just plays because he enjoys it.

Hole 2. Don't hide your addiction. When you start playing night golf with lighted balls, you know you're in trouble.

Hole 3. Don't try to get better thinking then you can quit. Think that "being really good" has helped Tiger Woods beat the habit? Golf school is not rehab.

Hole 4. Don't buy new equipment. And by new, I mean new to you. Play It Again Sports is a trap akin to a pot bunker at the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews.

Hole 5: Don't put a "Putter Boy" weather vane on the roof of your house -- even if your darling wife would let you.

Hole 6: Don't collect those little midget golf pencils. Seriously.

Hole 7: Don't go to medical school. (Don't go to law school either. When my wife attended law school at Duke, the law school had a staff golf pro.)

Hole 8: Don't become a doctor. Before the advent of the beeper, the golf course was one of the few places where you could escape from saving lives.

Hole 9: Don’t attend medical conventions at golf resorts. The tax write-off you take for "medical education" will only mean more money for more Big Berthas.

Hole 10: Don't gamble when you play. Your winnings will only mean more money for more Big Berthas.

Hole 11: Don't use orange balls to play in the snow (no matter how many golfing days are taken away from you in Danville, Virginia by snowy conditions -- usually about one a year.)

Hole 12: "One-club" tournaments are not a way to "cut back." It's no less golf just because you use a single club than it is when you have cart full of them. Ditto on "hickory-stick" tournaments.

Hole 13: Don't enter charity tournaments. (See above). Face it, your chip shots are not feeding the hungry, they're feeding your addiction.

Hole 14: Don't buy a condo on a golf course in Pinehurst.

Hole 15: When on vacation at Pinehurst, don't spend your time watching the Golf Channel.

Hole 16: When on vacation at Wild Dunes, don't spend all your time looking out the window watching people hit balls into the sand traps on the 18th green of the Ocean Course.

Hole 17: Don't build a golf course in your backyard. My dad built a 9-hole par-three course in his backyard. It didn't cut down on golf, just on travel time.

Hole 18: Don't get a patent on a "golf-related device." My father is the inventor of the "Weed Wedge," which "helps improve your wedge shot while removing weeds from your lawn and garden."


Gary D. Gaddy's father won the Senior Division with the best net score at the One Club World Championship in 1987, and once had two holes-in-one in a single nine-hole round on his par-three backyard course.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday November 8, 2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:15 AM EST
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Thursday, November 1, 2007
A sketchy portrait of Tom Bordeaux

This article is re-printed in advance from the upcoming Hollow Rock Racquet and Swim Club Newsletter from its soon-to-be cancelled occasional Member Spotlight series.

THIS MONTH'S "MEMBER SPOTLIGHT' shines its unforgiving glow on the large figure of one Tom Bordeaux. This is a subject that begs to be written about -- literally.

During an ecologically correct car-pooled ride back from a USTA 7.5 combo league tennis match, following the thorough beat-down we had administered, yet again, to the fine senior gentlemen of the Governor's Club, somehow the conversation moved to my newspaper column. Our driver and teammate, Tom Bordeaux, asked, "What do you write about?" My answer was my standard response, "Whatever I want to, mostly stupid stuff."

Then I added, "I could write about you, Tom." His response was something along the lines of: "Good, go ahead and do that."

Here is it is: Mr. J. Tom Bordeaux, Jr. in the Member Spotlight.

When I think "State graduate," I think Tom Bordeaux. He's a walking NC State stereotype. He has State logo on his hardhat.

He's a kind of novelty at Hollow Rock Racquet and Swim Club where UNC and Duke grads abound. He may be the result of our club's diversity policy; I don't know. During even a brief introductory conversation, you will quickly recognize that Tom is neither a Duke nor Carolina alum -- he does something useful for a living.

State grads, you see, can't think abstractly like we liberally and elitely educated folk can. If you don't include various types and sub-types of surgeons (which comprise approximately 57% of all adult Hollow Rock members), I'm not sure anybody with a Duke or UNC degree can operate even a bottle opener -- with the clear exception, of course, of elaborate de-corking devices used on Beaujolais nouveau. Tom, on the other hand, builds big buildings and stuff like that.

Tom also plays tennis. He has played on teams I played on and on teams I played against. I'd rather have him on my side of the net than on the other. (But, please note, both can be quite dangerous.) Every ball Tom hits is a rocket. Subtlety is not his specialty.

You know that TV commercial where tennis star Andy Roddick supposedly hits a serve so hard it burrows into the clay court? That, of course, was faked; Roddick never did that. They used a video of one of Tom's overheads.

Tom has a lovely wife Karen who also plays tennis. Once I played with Tom against Karen and another male. This was not fair -- Karen is clearly better than I am. Inspired by my partner Tom's slugging style at one point I clobbered, inadvertently, I'm sure, an overhead right into Karen's stomach. As you may know if you play mixed doubles, for some reason, women don't like this. Their husbands, generally, like it even less.

I was ready for Tom to kill me with his bare hands, or perhaps his racquet, whichever came first. In an immediate attempt to pre-empt a bloody demise, I began to apologize to Karen. Tom said, "Stop!" Then, with a glare in his eye, he said, "If you get chance to do it again, do it! She would." Before the match was over I realized the wisdom and perspicuity of his words.

Following evening matches at Hollow Rock, the men usually sit around and drink dollar beers. Not too many, of course. We talk about matters of substance and import. Once, after making an observation of depth and acuity on some concern of essential value to the fate of the world, Tom had this observation. "Gaddy, you're full of . . ." finishing the sentence with a noun common in popular usage referencing an agricultural by-product that they study apparently at great length and in great depth at the North Carolina State University.

A simple response from me would have been, "Yes." Instead, I said, "How do you mean that?" This, unfortunately, ended the conversation.

Tom's degree at State College is in civil engineering so I'm hoping that he will still be civil after he reads this.

AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER (under the advice of the author's spouse and legal counsel): Nothing in the above should be construed to be a general diminishment of the North Carolina State University (hereafter and heretofore referred to as "State College"), or taken to unnecessarily derogate its current or former students, faculty, staff, alumni or its teams' fans.


Gary D. Gaddy, who before his untimely demise held a graduate degree from UNC, really did play on a Hollow Rock team with Mr. Bordeaux, who is, according to a spokesman with the Orange County Sheriff’s Department, currently a "person of interest."

A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday November 1, 2007.  Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:52 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, November 1, 2007 8:09 AM EDT
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Thursday, October 25, 2007
Fighting Gobblers under attack

THIS IS WHAT GENEROUSLY DONATING YOUR TIME AND ENERGY to edifying the denizens of Orange County will get you. After defending the honor and dignity of North Carolina and its great university against the lowly usurpers of South Carolina, here come people previously from the Commonwealth of Virginia getting peeved, or at least that's how I interpreted the attitude conveyed by the following missive, because I didn't insult their team too.

To provide some context, Robyn, and her husband Dave, are graduates of the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, a land-grant college originally named Virginia Agricultural and Mechanical College, serving their state, the nation, the world and, perhaps, the Universe.

Robyn, who spells her name with a "y", is also a graduate of E.C. Glass High School in Lynchburg, Virginia, archrival of my beloved alma mater, George Washington High School of Danville, Virginia, which Glass used to regularly schedule for Homecoming, if you know what I mean.

Last Thursday, my column referred to the Gamecocks of South Carolina as the "Evil Chickens of S.C."


The next day I received this email.

Subject: fowl mascots

After reading your column yesterday, I find myself grateful that you opted to avoid a wide-ranging mascot discussion ... it seems you might have lumped Va Tech with the chickens.



So, I responded:

Subject: Re: Fowl Mascots


You are correct that a free-ranging discussion of fowl mascots would have skewered the team formerly known as the VT Turkeys.

Glad somebody is reading my column -- even if it is only to see if those they know and love have been libeled.




Her response:

Subject: Re: fowl mascots

"Free-ranging" ... I get it. Though I must make it clear that Fighting Gobblers are not turkeys.



So, I responded:


You are in serious poultry denial. You may want to see an ornithologist.



After she failed to respond in kind, I added this:


See below. This should end this fowl discussion.



Fighting Gobblers

(From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

Fighting Gobblers is the original name for the sports teams of Virginia Tech.


Virginia Tech's first mascot/nickname was the "Gobblers". Around 1908, Tech students and opponent athletes began referring to student athletes as "Gobblers" because of the way they "gobbled" their ample servings of food.

Whatever the origins, the name was already popular when in 1913 Floyd "Hard Times" Meade, a local orphan resident, had a large turkey pull a decorated cart before football games. Meade paraded the mascot around the stadium during the game, and even trained it to gobble on command. This tradition continued after another "turkey trainer" took over in 1924.

From then on, fans and sportswriters associated the gobbler with Tech's athletic teams, and for many years the school's official name for its sports teams was the "Fighting Gobblers." In 1936, a costumed Gobbler joined the live gobbler for at least one game. The use of a live turkey mascot continued well into the 1950s.

In the late 1970s, a new football coach, upon hearing that the Gobbler mascot was based on athletes gobbling their food down, began promoting the "Hokie" nickname and even removed the gobble from the scoreboard. Though the term Hokies was widely used, the official designation was only changed in the mid-1980s. Coach Frank Beamer had the scoreboard gobble reinstalled.

Hokies is the official name of Virginia Tech's sports teams. Fans, students, and alumni of Virginia Tech are also referred to as Hokies. The Hokie Bird, is modeled on a large turkey, has been the official sport mascot of Virginia Tech since 1961.

See also: Virginia Tech Hokies


So, then came this response: 

Subject: Re: fowl mascots

Wow -- thanks for the update. I guess you can tell I left the campus in the early 70s.



My final note to Robyn, and the Hokie Nation at large: If a Gobbler is not a turkey, why have opponents' marching bands over the years regularly serenaded visiting Fighting Gobbler teams with renditions of "Turkey in the Straw"? Your team can "officially" change its name but it cannot change its heritage, tradition or its intimate connection to its university’s esteemed poultry science curriculum.

Embrace your inner bird. Meditate upon this wisdom as you watch your top-ten Gobblers scratch it out with second-ranked Boston College tonight: "It’s difficult to soar with the eagles, when you’re working with turkeys!"


Gary D. Gaddy attended the Homecoming Game at E.C. Glass H.S. in the fall of 1967, which his Cardinals won handily, leading, as he remembers it, by 35-0 at halftime when all the despondent but nattily dressed Hilltopper fans went home, and once personally assisted in a 4-H egg-grading competition at Virginia Tech.

A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 25, 2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:35 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, November 1, 2007 8:03 AM EDT
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Thursday, October 18, 2007
A Southern sibling rivalry

MANY NORTHERN TRANSPLANTS SEEM CONFOUNDED by this Carolina/Carolina thing that surfaced as a result of a football game between the respective universities of North Carolina and South Carolina. (Please note, the word used here is respective, not respected, as only one of these institutions is.) It is a sibling rivalry.

In any such rivalry, it is important, very important, that the big brother (North Carolina) keep the little brother (South Carolina) in his place, really in his place. Just like my older brother needed (and still does need) to beat me in any competitive contest of any kind any time anywhere, North Carolina needs to whoop up on South Carolina on a regular basis.

Where an official and formal competitive venue does not exist, North Carolina gives South Carolina noogies just to keep them in their appointed place -- which is beneath North Carolina. Look at a map.

Northern transplants (Yankees we like to call them) should beware of jumping into this fray, even to help us Tar Heels. This is a family feud and we really don't need your assistance, thank you very much. A clear analogy would be me, my brother and Rocky Zimmerman. Now my oldest brother used to bop on me and my younger brother on a semi-regular basis (somewhat less so since he has turned 60 -- but it could still happen).

A favored technique of his was the frog. For those of you not versed in the puerile pugilistic arts, the frog is a punch delivered, usually to the upper arm, with a clenched fist made by extending the second knuckle of the middle finger outward to a point. When the pain subsides, the bruise remains to remind the lessers, such as me, who was the big brother, and who was not.

Rocky Zimmerman was, for a while, the mythic bully of our neighborhood. Once, for some reason I don't remember, he punched me in the stomach. I ran home crying.

My oldest brother was generally considered the neighborhood nerd. He was an egghead. He wore glasses.

A couple of days after my run-in with Rocky, in the midst of some collective neighborhood game, my oldest brother conveniently got into a dispute with him. He punched Rocky in the stomach. The myth of Rocky Zimmerman was undone in one moment, as he ran home crying. The neighborhood never feared him again. He never touched me again.

While North Carolina takes every occasion presented to it to deride South Carolina, it will still unleash a serious frogging on any outsider who has the temerity to pick on its poor, pathetic, podunk and knuckleheaded little brother. Historical case in point: the Civil War.

So, Yanks, just observe as I detail a few of the many reasons that North Carolina and UNC have for feeling a cut above South Carolina and USC.

North Carolina's state capital is named after the Englishman Sir Walter Raleigh (1552–1618), famed as a writer, poet, courtier and explorer, who established the first English settlement in the New World on Roanoke Island in present-day North Carolina. South Carolina's state capital is named after Chris Columbus (1451–1506) who discovered San Salvador Island.

For UNC, it is sufficient that USC (the piddling one in Columbia not the real one in LA) has the insolence to call itself "Carolina," even though UNC had been around for 13 years when USC got going. Get a clue, guys: first come, first served.

Further, any school which voluntarily selects a chicken as its mascot really should not expect too much respect from the rest of the world. Although a wider discussion of the inappropriateness of the school's choice of mascot will be by-passed in light of the various sensitivities of our readers, we will note that it celebrates the illegal, immoral and tasteless sport of chicken fighting. Gamecocks, indeed.

UNC's football coach, Butch Davis, is universally admired as a decent, caring and humble coach who builds character and lives as well as football teams. South Carolina's coach is Steve Spurrier. (And although the Evil Chickens of S.C. nipped the Tar Heels this time, Mr. Superior shouldn’t be looking back, as Satchel Paige might say, ‘cause someone might be gainin' on him.)

In the interest of mercy, we won't mention basketball.

A further point of favorable comparison of N.C. over S.C. (as if anyone who has ever set foot in both places would need any convincing): Have you ever tasted the concoction they call barbecue? Mustard-based sauce? May God help the sick people down there who are in want of some serious aesthetic re-education.

And, finally, there is a reason that South of the Border is south of the border.


Pedro says that Gary D. Gaddy has stopped at South of the Border just outside beautiful Dillon, South Carolina, more times than he would like to admit.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 18, 2007.  Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 10:10 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, November 1, 2007 8:09 AM EDT
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Thursday, October 11, 2007
Poor excuses for Duke football

BEFORE THE FOOTBALL SEASON STARTED, USA Today handicapped the ACC championship race. They gave the odds for Duke winning at 500 million to one. Of course, USA Today is noted for their overly rosy view of life. This is a case in point.

Some of you may be thinking: "Really?  I didn't know Duke had a football team." They do.

Who actually does not appear to know that Duke has football team? Duke students. Students who camp out for months to see the Duke men's basketball team play Monmouth can't find the football stadium on any Saturday all fall. (For those of you unacquainted with Duke campus geography, you can spit out the window of Cameron Indoor Stadium and hit Wallace Wade -- which many at Duke do on a regular basis.)

I have gone to every Duke-UNC game for the past twelve years. I especially enjoy watching while completely surrounded by baby-blue clad Tar Heel partisans, by which, of course, I mean in Durham. Every year there have more Tar Heel than Blue Devil fans at these Duke "home" games. One year, I swear, there were no Duke students who weren't on the field or wearing skirts (i.e., the Duke cheerleaders).

We have friends, who shall remain nameless, who tailgate at Duke home games -- then go home without ever watching the game. How's that for fan support? (Correct answer: Not good.)

To make a poor excuse for these poor excuses for fans: Duke University consistently fields one of the worst teams in Division 1-A football, at one point this season being the nation-leading losers of 22 games in a row. The team has lost its last 20 games against ACC opponents.

Duke actually has been good, very good, at football -- in the past.

In 1938 under Coach Wallace Wade, Duke shut out all their regular season opponents and reached the national championship game. Duke "went" to another Rose Bowl in 1942, one held at Duke's home stadium following Pearl Harbor.

Duke won six of the first ten ACC football championships from 1953 to 1962 under Coach Bill Murray.

But since 1994 Duke has not had a winning season, and has had only three such seasons in the last 20 years.

As national championship poll watchers are aware, it's not easy going undefeated. Well, statistically, it’s not easy to play an entire season without winning a game either. Duke has done it four times in the last eleven seasons.

But guess what? One of the reasons Duke's win-loss results are so excruciatingly bad is fan support – or, more precisely, the lack there of. For a number of years over the past 15, Duke has actually put a competitive team on the field; they just couldn't win the close games. What possibly could have made the difference? How about, maybe, a crowd cheering for them? Fans can't change the outcome of team blown out 45-3, but they can make a difference in a 14-13 loss.

Podunk little Wake Forest's ACC championship last year was the feel-good story in college football -- to everyone except Duke University. The Deacon football program exposes the Blue Devil excuses. Nothing that Duke administrators or fans could offer as a sensible rationale for Duke’s pathetic on-field results holds up in the light of the performance of Wake's team. For example, the size of the school or its potential fan base, or the depth of its donors pockets, these are all in lesser supply at Wake than they are at Duke. And Wake also has tough academic standards.

Wake won't win the ACC every year, I am sorry to report. Last year, even the most partisan analysts would admit, was something of a fluke. But it wasn't in this sense: the team was given a chance by the support of their school, from their president to their fans, to win.

And, by the way, the early season 14-13 loss by Duke last year? That was at Wake Forest, where 26,000 fans showed up.

The same odds maker who put Duke at 500 million to one to win the ACC this year put Wake at seven to one. I used to be a statistician so I can tell you confidently, that's a lot better odds.

If you don't believe that fan support is that bad, Duke plays "at home" against Virginia Tech this Saturday. The Hokies won't really need the help but the "Twelfth Man" will be wearing maroon and orange.



Gary D. Gaddy is a Tar Heel fan who is sympathetic to the Blue Devil football team as he has two nieces and a nephew who are the great grandchildren of Coach Bill Murray.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 11, 2007.  Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:09 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, November 6, 2010 8:58 AM EDT
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Thursday, October 4, 2007
Prophets, prophecy and me

A THOUGHT KEEPS PLAGUING ME:  Could it be true that Dr. H. Mitchell Simpson, Ph.D., senior pastor of University Baptist, has called me a prophet? Unfortunately, it is reported by normally reliable sources that he did. Maybe even in public

I thought it was error enough when the state of North Carolina called me a "Statistician III" when I worked as, get ready for this, the Coordinator of Statistical Consulting for the Howard W. Odum Institute for Research in Social Science at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

I was not, am not and, I can say with a high degree of confidence, never will be a "statistician," which point I can easily prove: I never took a single statistics course for credit. Ain't startin' now.

Further, in my view, statistician is parallel to engineer: someone who designs things. So, for example, an automotive engineer designs automobiles. Likewise, a statistician creates new statistical tests. I taught driver's ed.

But to the current point: I am not, I am relieved to report, a prophet. The last time I made a prediction that I was completely confident would come to pass was when I picked the Wildcats to win in the Kentucky versus Arizona game in my NCAA basketball championship bracket. Fortunately for me, the game didn't get cancelled.

I am not sure that the dear and kindly intentioned Dr. Simpson knew exactly what he was saying when he called me a prophet. I am concerned that he may have been tossing back a little too much of the communion grape juice.

This is what the Bible says about the presumptuous prophet, which is what I would be if I were a prophet, I presume. "But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die." (Deuteronomy 18:20)

Seriously, the Chapel Hill Herald does not pay me enough (or anything, for that matter) to justify my dying for my craft. Just to set Dr. Simpson straight (and God, as well, if necessary), when I quote God (or Jesus), I'm just kidding. I haven't actually heard directly from God (or Jesus). I just make the stuff up.

The way I figure it, I was made in the image of God. I have a sense of humor, so God must have one too. Just to be on the safe side, my jokes are never making fun of God. I assume, like everybody I know, He generally thinks my jokes are funny -- as long as they are about someone else.

Likewise, when I make up words and put them in the mouths of Roy Williams or Dean Smith, I want to make it clear that I am not speaking "in the name of other gods." I don't even really know who "other gods" are (although I vaguely remember something about Ahura Mazda from a Religions of the World class I took my sophomore year in at the highly esteemed and formerly marginally Baptist Furman University.)

In any case, Roy and Dean could not be considered "other gods" -- they are the primary deities here in Chapel Hill.

Anyway, if this "compliment" was Dr. Simpson’s way of fishing for an offer of my ghostwriting services to him, sorry, it ain’t gonna work. Communing with the spirits of the dead is what got ol’ King Saul in trouble with God, so I ain’t goin’ there.

* * * *

Speaking of prophetic voices

The world is just a little less today than it was just a few days ago. The print edition of the Weekly World News passed from this earth with its last hardcopy issue being sold last month. Nestled among the tabloids at the grocery store checkout, the Weekly World News never received its due as cutting edge journalism, as the harbinger of the future of news.

Before Janet Cooke of the Washington Post had her Pulitzer revoked, before Jason Blair fabricated story after story for the New York Times, before Dan Rather could be the dupee and would-be duper by passing along transparently phony documents over at CBS News, the WWN was there making up news from whole cloth.

Sophisticated readers and highly educated journalists like me mourn its passing.

While the WWN continues in its online format, I am sure we all agree that reading phony news on the web is just not as satisfying as it is when you are staining your fingers while reading ink on paper.


Gary D. Gaddy has twice attended University Baptist Church, once to see the "Cotton Patch Gospel" and once for the memorial service for John Lotz, who, if he wasn't a prophet, was one of the great evangelists ever to live in Chapel Hill.

A version of this article appeared in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 4, 2007.  Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 2:53 AM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 10:05 AM EST
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Thursday, September 27, 2007
Espousing free speech in academe

RECENTLY, THE BANNER OF FREEDOM OF SPEECH was raised high across academe, including on our very own Chapel Hill campus, in defense of Duke Law professor Erwin Chemerinsky. And, in the end, he got his deanship in California.

But espousing free speech for people who think the way we do is not really espousing free speech. Does anybody actually think that liberals are more likely to be denied academic jobs because of their political views? Anybody?

So, who should UNC academics be defending? I think they should be fighting for the un-liberal evangelists who were recently evicted from the Pit, the University of North Carolina campus equivalent of Hyde Park in London.

I'm not a big fan of the Pit preachers, in general, because as they preach sin and repentance while challenging passers-by with their version of Christianity they tend to be abrasive, abusive and thus more likely to keep people from Jesus than draw them to him.

I think that evangelical Christians who don't believe that "Satan says that God loves everyone" (as one of the Pit preachers' signs reportedly said) have more reason to wish such preachers would go away than the atheists, Satanists and LGBTIQ folks. Their preaching style is so generally offensive that it pushes many more people away from the Gospel than it pulls to it, creating sympathy for groups and behaviors that many might otherwise find problematic.

But, you know what? Speech is only free when the speech that we hate is just as free as the speech we love.

To the best I can figure the only thing that happened in the Pit the day the evangelists were evicted is that a loud shouting match took place. During my 14 years on the UNC campus, vociferous shouting matches between some of the more provocative Pit preachers and their audiences were practically a daily occurrence. I never saw anyone "led off campus."

I taught at the University of Wisconsin-Madison for four years, a place more liberal, if such be possible, than UNC-Chapel Hill. A place that was second only, at one time in the 1960's, to the University of California at Berkeley as the head of the "free speech" movement.

By the time I got to Madison in the 1980's, the worm had turned --180 degrees. The primary speech concern was "hate speech," that is, speech that offended some particular demographic group.

The ultimate solution at UW was a speech code. The way a speech code works is this: White supremacists, for example, could promote any idea they like as long as it was not something anyone found offensive, like, say, white supremacy.

Why a speech code was necessary is beyond me. There was already an informal "speech beats speech" policy in effect. I am sure you are thinking: That's the way it should be. The free exchange of ideas and, in the end, the best ideas will win out. Good ideas trump bad ones. Solid rational arguments triumph over flimsy fallacious ones. Truth defeats lies. Sorry. That's not how it worked.

During that time period in Madison, controversial speakers with offensive philosophies (that is to say, any conservative) were simply shouted down. Not questioned and found wanting. Not out debated. Not presented with points they could not refute. Simply shouted down. Not given a chance to even present their own ideas -- which may have been silly, stupid, puerile, inane, evil or just plain wrong (in someone's opinion) -- not that we would ever know because we never got to hear them.

UNC Campus Police would have made life for the pre-speech-code goons of Madison much easier. Now, it is apparent, to silence any public voice all that UNC "students" have to do is start a shouting match. Campus cops will do the rest.

My question: Why weren't the "students" who were shouting with the evangelists also led off campus? UNC is a public university, last I heard. If there was a shouting match that had to be stopped, how was it determined who was at fault?

The evangelists were "escorted" off campus "for the safety of all those involved," said a spokesman for the Department of Public Safety, quoted in the Daily Tar Heel. One of the evangelists was quoted as saying that "there was no threat to security." It seems he should know whether he is safe or not.

Here’s an idea. Let’s let the Pit preachers preach, loudly if they like. Let’s let those who disagree with them argue with them if they like, loudly if it suits them. Let’s take the Department of Public Safety off the "silence speech we don’t like" beat.

Question: If the next anti-war rally in the Pit draws loud counter protesters, will campus police escort the anti-war ralliers off campus? Just wondering.


Gary D. Gaddy listens to Stephanie Miller and Rush Limbaugh; both tend to shout.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thrusday, September 27, 2007.  Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 11:34 AM EDT
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Thursday, September 20, 2007
Mixed results at the state championships

IT HAS BEEN SAID that 90% of life is just showing up -- but that's not always true. I held a job working for the state once and based my observations, if not my behavior, sometimes just showing up is 100%. But, generally, in tennis, just showing up won't get you much at all.

On the other hand, when you're the only team in your league, just showing up means you win the league and get to go to the State Championships.

On occasion, life is fair, so our reward was commensurate with our effort. The championships were in Durham. Our first matches were held at Hollow Rock, meaning last Friday Sandra and I had to travel nine-tenths of a mile to "go to the North Carolina Senior 7.0 Mixed Doubles State Championship."

Once there the reality of being "in the State Championship" struck us in the face like a crisp Roger Federer backhand. Our team had played in an "adult league," since there were no other senior teams (senior being defined, at the youngest, as turning 50 during 2007). We weren't ready for real "seniors."

One fellow my wife and I played (I'll call him Ken -- because that’s his name) was supposedly a senior. My best guess is that he actually was a senior -- in high school. He had muscles like Barry Bonds – a product no doubt of the healthy mountain air. Further, he wore a red tennis outfit. I don't need to tell you this, we all know it intuitively, but no senior male is going to wear a red tennis outfit. To top it off, Ken was left-handed and played that way. He and his supposedly 3.0-rated partner beat us left handily 6-4 and 6-2.

The other match my wife and I played was more typical of our challenges. Our opponents, Steve and Carol Berg, were a very pleasant married couple from Wilmington. Being the hale fellow well met that I am, I bantered casually with them before the match. I said, "I know wagering on a match is illegal but how about if the winner pays for the losers' marriage counseling?" They laughed. I wasn't joking.

We lost the first seven points of the match. It looked to be blowout of bagelesque proportions. But I know my wife is a notoriously slow starter but a great finisher in doubles of all sorts. We won the next eight games, winning the first set 6-1 and were sitting at 2-0 in the second. Then we (by which I mean me) let up a little, they stepped up a little and we lost the second set 4-6. Tie-breaker time, time to separate the cream from the skim milk: we lost 5-10.

My wife was not available to play with me on Saturday. (She had a case appearing before the North Carolina Court of Appeals on the following Tuesday morning so, of course, it was essential that she be at Reno Sharpe's Store deep in Chatham County to play bluegrass on her banjo with a bunch of 80-year-old farmers.) I paired with our team captain West (with a "t") Dupuis. She played great. I did OK (that is, great for stretches and brain-dead at others).

Tiring of winning the first set, then losing the second, then blowing the tie breaker, we tried a different strategy that had worked previously for West and me. Namely, we were to get destroyed in the first set, get behind in the second then come back, and, finally, win the third-set tie breaker.

West and I didn't get destroyed but we did lose the first set 3-6 to our formidable opponents from Lake Norman. Then we edged them in a tie-breaker to win the second 7-6. And we got ahead in the third-set 10-point tie breaker 6-3, were tied at 8-8, and then lost 8-10, when my ground stroke went six inches long. Two points from my personal goal: winning one measly match. Very disheartening.

But little did I know that one of our opponents would be the one who most needed comfort. When we congratulated them at the net at match's end, our female opponent (I'll call her Meredith -- because that's her name) sullenly said, "I didn't enjoy this at all." Graciousness personified. I said, "It could have been worse."

Poor Meredith had to win all three of her matches in tie breakers!

As a team we did accomplish two goals that I had set for the team beforehand. The team won one match, thanks to a great effort by West and Greg Schulwitz. Our team didn't finish last. We finished 10th out of 12 teams -- which is not bad at all for a team that finished dead last in its own league.


Gary D. Gaddy, inexplicably, actually has gone to two state tennis championships in two consecutive seasons.

A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday September 20, 2007.  Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 1:53 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, August 23, 2010 7:03 AM EDT
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Thursday, September 13, 2007
Still watching "The Man Watching"

THIS IS DEFINITELY IT, Coach Dorrance.  After two decades as a fan, you had convinced me there was no need to pay attention to home openers. Then I open up the paper and find out we lost. Have you no sense of tradition? We had never lost a home opener in the history of the program. What made you think this would be a good time to lose one?

I'm so mad I'm not talking to you anymore -- except maybe to yell at you from the stands.

* * * *

Many irate readers (OK, all of my readers -- both of whom happen to be irate) have written to ask me when I am going to apologize for my (and these are their words) "shameless and disgusting treatment of UNC women's soccer coach Anson Dorrance" ("Get onboard with," September 5, 2006.) After a year's reflection, the answer in brief: Never. I have nothing to apologize for.

"They" say, "Don't you feel just a little embarrassed about beginning to call for the firing of a coach five games into a season in which he won a national championship?" First of all, I did not begin calling for his firing five games into the season. I began formulating my thoughts immediately after he lost the first game of the season. The primitive paper-and-ink technology employed by the Paxton Media Group should be blamed for the delay.

No, I am not going to apologize to Dorrance. I'm going to ask Dorrance to apologize to me. And, boy, does he ever have lots to apologize for.

Fans, such as I, were really annoyed at having to watch freshmen play last season. I know they are energetic and enthusiastic and all that, but they are not nearly as disciplined and precise as the seniors you used to play. They make us nervous.

Starting five freshmen (and six to begin the second half) for the national championship game borders on a sick torture of loyal fans like me. You really need to get some older players -- and don't think we have the patience to wait while you "develop your youthful talent." UCLA, Notre Dame and Florida State all had some nice players, who weren't, I might add, freshmen. You could get some of them.

We really would like players with simpler, shorter and more pronounceable names. We long for the days of Mia Hamm. Three simple syllables. Yael Averbuch? What kind of name is that? Oh, it's great to score a goal four seconds into the game for an NCAA record for all-genders, all-divisions and all that, but it took the announcers the rest of the half to get her name right -- if they ever did.

And Casey Nogueira? College Cup All-Tournament Team and First-Team Freshman All-America sound good, but what are they worth to me if I can't brag to my friends about her because I can't even say her name?

More goals need to be scored. At every level of soccer fans want more scoring. I know, I know, "The Tar Heel women are one of the highest scoring teams in all of soccer." Well, goody for them! What about the teams your teams play against? Wouldn't it be nice if they scored every now and then, too?

While some dimwit fans, of whom there are many, enjoy always watching their team win in a blowout, the real fans, like me, prefer some hard-fought contests that we win in the end. The point is if the other team scored more it would make the games more interesting. I really do hate leaving before halftime because the match is "over."

My advice: maybe instead of just standing on the sidelines with your arms crossed watching, you could actually coach every once in while -- instruct some of your players to get red cards, for example, so we could play nine or ten against eleven. Then I wouldn't have to re-score the game in my head by counting the other team’s goal kicks versus Tar Heel goals just to make the games seem competitive.

But please, please don't misunderstand me, I'm not offering permission to the Heels to lose "every now and then" to add drama to the games -- I really don't need that. And I hope that wasn’t what you were up to with that "home opener loss."

Finally, I tire of reading of you winning "another coach-of-the-year award." If you had any versatility, any range, any creativity, you could come up with something else you could win so I, and other dedicated fans, would have something more to read about besides "another coach-of-the-year award."

Gary D. Gaddy once ran into Anson Dorrance in "Play It Again Sports." He didn't recognize him.

This article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday September 13, 2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:19 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, November 11, 2007 9:13 AM EST
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Thursday, September 6, 2007
Celebrating Club Nova's community

I HAVE HAD THE PRIVILEGE of being part of several exceptional communities. One of the more remarkable is Club Nova. In case you have never heard of Club Nova, it is, in technical terms, a psycho-social rehabilitation clubhouse for people with severe and persistent mental illness. That doesn't make it sound like that much fun, does it? Well, it is.

Despite having "illness" prominently listed in its mission, Club Nova is a very healthy place. Club Nova focuses on members' strengths and potential rather than their illnesses. Club Nova is, among many other good things, a loving, caring and accepting place.

What makes Club Nova a great clubhouse? That's simple -- community. When you belong to a club, any club, you are a member. If the club really works like it should, it belongs to you. Club Nova works like that. Club Nova is a community of members: club members, staff members and board members who belong to Club Nova and to whom Club Nova also belongs.

The people Club Nova serves are club members -- not its patients, its clients or even consumers of its services. That distinction is especially significant for the members, since in large part at some point they have been disenfranchised by larger society.

Many people know Club Nova from the pretty purple Club Nova Thrift Shop on West Main Street in Carrboro. The Thrift Shop operates as a place where club members can help develop or re-capture job skills, where the public can see Club Nova at work while finding remarkable bargains in everyday items -- and at the same time support the work of the clubhouse, just like the volunteers who work alongside the club members there do.

The clubhouse is the little white house next door. While Club Nova has a clubhouse, it is not a building; it is an organization of people. It's a membership club. And like with American Express, membership has its privileges. Club Nova follows the successful clubhouse model pioneered by Fountain House in New York City.

Part of that model is what is called a Clubhouse Community Bill of Rights. These rights are simple, and sometimes mystifying to those who don't understand the devastating impact that mental illness can have on a life. These rights are to a Place to Come, Meaningful Work, Meaningful Relationships and a Place to Return.

Where mental illness has so displaced someone that he has no place to go, a place to come is essential. Where mental illness has destroyed someone's job, career and even prospects for work, a place where she can do meaningful work and reacquire lost job skills is key to regaining independence. Where mental illness may have broken social ties and even family bonds, meaningful relationships with club staff and other club members fill the gap in a person's life. And, when an episode of mental illness strikes again, for a member to know that he has a place to which he can return gives hope.

The people who are part of Club Nova make it the therapeutic community that it is. Like in any family, love starts at the top. From Club Nova's executive director Karen Dunn to the newest staff member to the long standing members each help make it a healing place by caring for each other

Perhaps you may think that my praises of Club Nova are a little over the top. But consider this, according to someone who may be the best positioned individual in the world to make such a judgment, Ralph Bilby, Program Director of the International Center for Clubhouse Development: "Club Nova has long been on the short list of the best clubhouse programs in the world."

Or you could take the word of former Carrboro mayor Mike Nelson, who says, "Club Nova makes Carrboro a better place to live." Carrboro understands that you don't make a place better by excluding those who don't quite conform to social norms but by including them.

Founded in 1987 to address the needs of Orange County citizens living with mental illness, Club Nova has done just that for 20 years, providing a holistic, caring environment designed to promote rehabilitation and reintegration of people with mental illness into the community. So now it's time to celebrate.

Friends, supporters and neighbors, please join Club Nova for our Grand 20th Anniversary Celebration on Friday Sept. 7 at the Carrboro Century Center. Entertainment starts at 9:30 p.m. with music by Jay Miller, Lise Uyanik and friends to follow. Put on your dancing shoes, and come dance with us to celebrate 20 years of community. It should be fun.

For more information, call Club Nova at 968-6682 or email Jessica at


Gary D. Gaddy serves on the board of Club Nova.

This article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday August 30, 2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 1:25 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, September 6, 2007 1:30 PM EDT
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Thursday, August 30, 2007
One long day at Trinity School

FADED AND JADED AS I AM after teaching all sorts of things at all sorts of levels to all sorts of ages for the past 40 years (I have done everything from managing a daycare center to teaching law school faculty), I pretty much got cured of my cynicism – in one long day.

Several years ago I decided to offer to be a substitute teacher at Trinity School of Durham and Chapel Hill as a way of paying them back for helping out my nephew who had attended Trinity the year before.

Mark is a bright kid, a really bright kid. I first met him at age five. The question I asked myself then was not, "Will he win a Nobel Prize?" but "I wonder which one?" At four and five Mark would have his mother read him science books, especially, biology and botany, that, she says, she didn’t understand. Other kids at his age ask for "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish."

As smart as Mark was, and is, he was a round peg in square hole all through school.

Mark came to Durham for the Hill Center, whose programs "for students with learning differences" are half day, so he needed a "home school" for the other part of the day. He ended up in Trinity School mostly because in was where he could get in at a late date, and they worked to help get him qualified.

The Hill Center was very good for Mark; Trinity was course changing.

As he said to his mother one day after he had been at Trinity for a few weeks, "I didn’t know that teachers could be nice." His time at Trinity was clearly the best school experience he had ever had -- educationally, socially and spiritually.

* * * *

Then one night at 8 p.m. I get called by a teacher at Trinity School asking if I could sub for a fifth grade class the next day. My immediate thought/prayer: "Dear Lord, what have I gotten myself into?" The answer was to come.

The next morning I woke early, after a night of fitful sleep, and headed to Trinity, just off Erwin Road, just few minutes from my house. I wore a tie. The other fifth grade teacher showed me the classroom, gave me the day’s lesson plans and told me she would be in the classroom next door if I needed her. I tried to figure out how to knock a hole in the wall so we could communicate continuously.

I did my best to understand what the day’s schedule was – but mostly I depended on eleven-year olds to tell what we were supposed to do next. Believe it or not, they did.

We did some serious math. We did a stint of spelling. Then they went out to recess and ran around and played games happily without any assistance from me. Later we studied ancient Roman history and culture. I read to them during lunch – and they listened.

At one point, I definitely realized I was not in the Chapel Hill/Carrboro school system. The schedule read: "10:00–10:20 – Prayer." My fearful thought was: "Oh no, I’m going to have to pray out loud for 20 minutes?"

In a moment of inspiration, I asked, "So, the schedule says, ‘Prayer,’ how does that work?" Two girls quickly answered, "Today’s our day to lead prayer!" And they did. The students each made prayer requests and then they prayed sincere and heartfelt prayers, mostly for their fellow students and their families.

Now, I don’t want to candy-coat my experience. It was largely unsuccessful in one respect. As hard as I worked, as much as I tried, nothing, nothing I could do would cure them of being 11 years old. They’re just like that. They were as full of energy at the end of the day as they were to begin it.

The worst experience of the whole day was when another teacher, rightfully, had to ask me to quiet my class. They were being too enthusiastic in asking questions.

As I lined them up for dismissal, at least 10 minutes before I should have, one of the girls ran up to me with arm extended and her palm raised, and said, "Stop! Stay right there!" Then she ran back to a group of students who were in a tight circle.

I’m standing there -- and I’m worn out -- and I’m mystified. When they break their huddle they deliver this cheer: "Thank you for being our teacher today, Dr. Gaddy!!!"

Does that give you any idea why I love Trinity School?


Gary D. Gaddy really is a sometime substitute at the Trinity School, though, he is, as you might expect, on the very bottom of the sub list.

This article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday August 30, 2007.  Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 10:59 AM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, September 4, 2007 7:15 AM EDT
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Thursday, August 23, 2007
One last chance for Butch Davis

NOW THAT A FEW WEEKS  have passed and I have had a chance to recover from our defeat in the Blue-White Game, I think I have calmed down enough, I hope, to let University of North Carolina head football coach Butch Davis know exactly what I think of his performance so far without embarrassing myself. In short, not much.

This is it. We are giving one last chance to you, Coach Davis. Fans here at UNC are very patient. We are willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt. But we have to draw a line somewhere -- so here it is. For all the hype about you when you were hired, what have you done? I mean what have you done for us lately?

Going nine months (that's almost a year) without a victory to celebrate, without having a single set of opponent's fans to taunt, is hard, really hard, on a fan like myself. And I am sure that I speak for many of us here in the Tar Heel Nation.

If you want to be the head football coach at a Division I school, which I would like to remind you, the University of North Carolina is, and think you can keep the job without winning a football game, you're deluded -- or you think you've been hired by Duke. Some people say a head coach's job is all about wins and losses; well, here it's not. It's all about wins. We don't like losses.

I am sure you're going to say: Hey, give me a break; we have even played a game yet! Look, coach, we don't make the schedule. Talk to Dick Baddour about that.

The only reason you're even going to get this last chance is because even though you haven't won a thing, not a doggone thing, at least you haven't lost anything -- yet.

* * * *

Just in case my little diatribe has started to make you re-think your decision to come to North Carolina, Coach Davis, please know that it could be worse. You could be somewhere else.

I know you're thinking I mean you could be the head football coach at the University of Alabama, where they fired their last coach one season after he won ten games and lost two.

Or maybe you're thinking I mean the University of Nebraska, where they fired their last coach immediately after he went 9-3 in the regular season, even though he had an overall record of 58-19, and had led the team to the number-two national ranking after one season and played for the national championship in another.

Well, that was not where I was thinking of at all. Those, everybody knows, are good coaching jobs.

No, I mean you could have been hired locally by NC State where they fired their coach because we fired ours. (They take this keeping up with the Joneses very seriously.) Until John Bunting was let go here at UNC, Chuck Amato's job, as seen by most observers, seemed secure. But if State had kept him after Bunting was fired, who had a winning record against almost nobody but State (excepting Duke -- but that doesn't count, of course), it would have meant State has lower standards than UNC -- and we all know that that could not possibly be true.

I also mean you could have been hired by Duke. There it's much worse. At Duke they don't care whether you win or not. You don't think that's possible? Well, the Duke football lost every game last season, and currently has the longest losing streak in Division I-A, and nobody is talking about Ted Roof "being on the hot seat." You want to know why? Because he's not -- because nobody cares. See?  It could be worse.

So, enjoy the home opener, coach.  Just remember, when the honeymoon's over ('round about halftime) and we start booing, it's only because we really love our football -- and basketball season hasn't started yet.


Gary D. Gaddy, despite the apparent sentiments expressed in this column, does not boo or otherwise vocally diminish any of his teams, any time, anywhere -- and sometimes razzes the so-called fans sitting around him who do.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday August 23, 2007.   Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:39 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, November 5, 2010 3:26 PM EDT
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Thursday, August 16, 2007
Helping ourselves while helping others

WHAT IS THE BEST treatment program for people with alcoholism?

On a number of occasions I have asked this question to groups of people, and I have always gotten the same answer: A.A. Alcoholics Anonymous. I have never heard another answer. There are several interesting things about that. One is that I don't think any of the people giving that answer have ever read a scientific study showing that A.A. is the most effective alcohol treatment program, because I am not even sure that there has been one, or at least one that has gotten any notable publicity.

I think that people know A.A. works not because of something they have read but because they have seen its results among their family, friends and co-workers. One recent count shows over four million A.A. members throughout the world.

How does A.A. work? A.A. is self-help in the best sense of the word. As such it does not accept money from sources outside A.A., either private or government -- and it does not charge for its services. So how on earth does it keep on going and growing? Besides the obvious answer of a Higher Power, another may be that it operates according to higher principles such as the Golden Rule and that it is "better to give than to receive." Longtime A.A. members give to newcomers because that's what they would have wanted, and in fact got, when they were in the same situation.

There are other self-help programs that also work, even if they are not as well known as A.A. The National Alliance on Mental Illness Family-to-Family course is one such program which depends upon those who have been through a life crisis to help those who are still in the midst of theirs.

Like A.A., Family-to-Family operates on the principle of the wounded healer. Those who lead Family-to-Family programs are, like those who take the course, the secondary casualties of serious mental illness. We are children who have survived a childhood damaged by a parent's illness. We are brothers and sisters who have been traumatized by the psychotic episode of their sibling. We are husbands and wives who have to carry a family while their spouses go through yet another relapse in their disease. And we are parents who have watched the hopes and dreams of their children be shattered by a life-changing illness.

What we know, we know from experience, not from books. We have felt what they are feeling. We have walked down the same paths. So, we may be able to help keep them from making the same mistakes. So, we may help them find the help we found much quicker.

While we have seen the harm and felt the hurt that these serious illnesses can wreak on the individuals who have them as well as that of their families, we also have experienced the care and compassion of loving caregivers, have seen real healing and recovery and have hope yet more. Many of us have come through these events, as hard as they were, stronger and determined to help others who are still in a current crisis. This is what Family-to-Family helps us do.

The F-2-F course offers a professionally created curriculum which teaches about the nature of mental illness including how it impacts the brain and its functioning. It incorporates up-to-date information on the treatments for the major classes of mental illness, including schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder (also known as manic depression), major depression and borderline personality disorder.

It also helps teach communication skills which can help family members communicate more effectively with their ill relatives, and offers them self-care strategies so that they can better take care of themselves. It teaches skills which will help them better manage in times of crisis, which are an expected part of life with a family member with mental illness. The course also works to help these family members move from being victims of their relative's illness who are lost in the system to being advocates for them and helping find resources for others.

In the midst of the bungled "mental health reform," which has created chaos for mental health providers and service cutbacks for those with mental illness, it is more important than ever that those who have met the challenges of mental illness within their families reach out to those in the middle of them now.

Several Family-to-Family courses are scheduled for the beginning of September in Chapel Hill, Hillsborough and Durham. If you have a close family member with a serious mental illness and would like to participate in this challenging and valuable yet tuition-free course, call 929-7822 for more information and to register.


Gary D. Gaddy is on the board of the National Alliance on Mental Illness in Orange County and one of the more than 115,000 graduates of Family-to-Family.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday August 16, 2007.   Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:27 AM EDT
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Thursday, August 9, 2007
Handicapping our future president

BEFORE TOO LONG (in 15 interminable months) we'll be electing a president here in Chapel Hill. Since, as a member of the mainstream media, I must retain my devout neutrality, rather than boosting any of the candidates I will handicap them all -- or at least as many I can in my allotted space -- by giving them my sage consultations.

We will start with Democrats: Snow White and the seven other candidates of lesser stature. At the top, we have Hillary Clinton. Mrs. Clinton's biggest problem is that she, well, comes across like a Mrs. Clinton. What she really needs is to forge a closer association in the public's mind with the warmest and most likeable member of the Clinton clan. Unfortunately Buddy died several years ago, so perhaps Bill will have to do. Cleavage looks like a good idea as well.

John Edwards should cultivate the perception that he is less precisely groomed than he actually is. The personal style consultant used by Al Gore during his bearded, plaid-wearing phase certainly could help, if he is within Edwards $1250-a-day hair-fashion budget (not including stylist's travel expenses).

"Joe" Biden, in contrast, should clean up his image. More specifically, he needs to become more "articulate and bright and clean." He'd be a "nice-looking guy" with a few more hair plugs.

Chris Dodd, whoever he is, needs to develop more name recognition.

Barack Obama needs to develop less name recognition. His middle name is Hussein. I'm not making this up. Hussein, you know, like Saddam Hussein. Name change, though unusual for politicians -- as opposed to actors or rock stars -- is the way to go. My wife wrote the North Carolina General Practice Deskbook entry for name change, so she could consult with him on it. If the change were only for North Carolina I would recommend Jesse Hunt, but for the national stage, I think John F. Reagan would be perfect.

Dennis Kucinich needs to develop more stature. Perhaps if he compromised on his vegan diet just enough so that he could take human growth hormone, that might do it. Stopping having nutty ideas would be another approach.

"Bill" Richardson could stop trying to pass himself off as Hispanic -- with a name like "Bill" Richardson, the ruse is never going to work anyway. Besides, where did he ever get the idea that actually being qualified for the presidency would even give him the remotest shot at getting nominated much less elected?

Now.let us advise the Republican candidates starting with "Rudy" Giuliani. As there is very little that Rudy can do about being pro-gay rights, for abortion rights and in favor of gun control, or being married three times, he might want to consider moving to some very red state, such as Nebraska or Utah, so he will have something in common with some Republican.

John McCain, having alienated most of the traditional party base with his push for immigration reform which included amnesty for current illegals, should consider a meet-and-greet session on Arizona's southern border with some Republicans who may still like him – that is, people from the Republic of Mexico.

Being a multi-millionaire politician from Massachusetts, Mitt Romney distinguishes himself from Republican-favorite John Kerry by being a Mormon but a little more distinction would be useful. He might give up waterskiing.

As the former Governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee would be a shoo-in as the Democrat nominee. As a Republican, he needs to gain a little gravitas -- so he might consider putting some of those 100 pounds he took off back on.

"Newt" Gingrich, being named for a relative of a salamander, is saddled with a definite liability. Our society has a clear and uncontestable mammalian bias in its esteem for animals. (If, for example, the boyz of Bad Newz Kennels had been electrocuting lizards or strangling chickens, there would be much less hubbub about it.) Clearly he needs a much more masculine name but I recommend something other than Mitt or Arnold or Barack.

This leaves us with Fred Thompson, the likely Republican nominee and even more likely next-president, who having held no office below admiral in any of his major motion picture roles, needs to change very little to be nominated, elected and canonized. My view on Thompson is this: if a bad actor can become a great president, the potential for a good actor is unlimited. The only thing he needs to work on is reading his acceptance speech off a TelePrompter.


Gary D. Gaddy, with his first presidential ballot, voted for George McGovern -- and hasn't done much better since.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday August 9, 2007.  Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 10:56 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, August 9, 2007 11:16 AM EDT
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Thursday, August 2, 2007
A very, very questionable column

SOME OF MY MOST DEDICATED readers, who seem to have nothing better to do than try to figure out what I mean by my columns, have sent me a series of very questionable queries, all of which indicate that they really should be spending their time on something more worthwhile -- perhaps watching re-runs of Jackass.  But, even so, being the man that I am, I will answer these queries to the best of my ability, which ain't much.

Terry O'Culligan of Durham wants to know: Why are you always making fun of liberals and Democrats?

My brother-in-law says I'm a contrarian.  Though I'm not sure he could spell it, I think he may be right.  Because the dominant ethos of this area is liberal (Republicans only being allowed within the Chapel Hill city limits during hunting season), it is more fun to make fun of liberal Democrats than their conservative Republican cousins.  Further, I simply find that liberal Democrats' general wack-wack-wackiness much more personally entertaining than the banal moronity of some conservative Republicans.  Trust me, I distrust them both.  As it says on every greenback in my pocket, "In God We Trust" – and if that's good enough for the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing, Dr. O'Culligan, it's good enough for me.

Michael Ratty of Orange County asks: How come sometimes you are funny and others times you are not? 

Michael, sometimes the subject matter does not lend itself to humor.  Sometimes I'm not feeling funny.  Sometimes the jokes just don't work.  But maybe it's your problem, Mike.

Dr. Henry Lesesne of Chapel Hill wonders: Don't you think that it is dangerous to put words in the mouth of God and Jesus? 

Yes, it is, Hank, but at least I know I am making up what they say when I do -- which puts me on much firmer ground than many people "quoting the Bible" -- an especially popular pastime during this interminable election season.

Daniel Crummett of the Chapel Hill Tennis Club asks: Do I need to be careful so you won't put what I say in the newspaper? 

No, Dan, you don't because I won't. You have to say something interesting, or at least that I think might possibly be mildly interesting to any one of the several readers of the Chapel Hill Herald, before I will put it in my column.  Sorry, Dan.  (And, by the way, if anyone ever did say something interesting, I wouldn't use their name, I would just steal their idea.)

David Stickel from the fringe of Carrboro inquires: Why does the Apostles’ Creed, a traditional statement of orthodox Christian belief, say of Jesus that “he shall come to judge the quick and the dead”? 

David, it is not as many suppose because he, like us, will judge athletes for their rampant steroid abuse which leaves them either quick or dead.  Instead, this creed employs an arcane use of the term "quick" meaning living.  Dead means dead.  The reason the creed says this is, well, how can I put this delicately . . . he will.  And if you think about it, Dave, that pretty much covers everybody, so watch out.

Paul Jones of UNC (not to be confused with John Paul Jones, bassist for Led Zeppelin) questions: Is it true that you are a published poet? 

Although I am humbled by the very thought that you, Paul, so world weary, would pose such a query; yes, I must confess I am.  If you don't believe me, right here is one of my published works.

The Poet Would Be

The would-be poet sleeps with pen in hand,
reads each morning his ink-stained sheets;
hoping, waiting for the masterpiece
that comes so often in dream.

Every morning it is the same.
The spots and splotches yield not a word.
Try though he may, he cannot find a line,
remember not a word from these great works,
only the echoes of the praises
and the prizes, and his name.

Now you will have to admit that that is poetic, don't you?

Finally, Sandra Herring, from the next room, asks:  Are you coming to bed or not? 

Yes, darling, just as soon as I finish one more



Gary D. Gaddy was a poet in both high school and college where he found it to be the best way, short of learning to play lead guitar, which is really hard, to pick up chicks.  (Go to to see past columns and such.)

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday August 2, 2007.  Copyright  2007  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:36 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, August 2, 2007 9:03 AM EDT
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Thursday, July 26, 2007
It's time to throw my hat in the ring

THE TIME HAS COME for me to throw my hat in the ring -- where it will be trampled by a herd of jackasses and pachyderms.  I am today unofficially declaring myself a candidate for the office of president.  After canvassing the field, I feel that if these guys (and gal) are of made of presidential mettle, so am I.

But that's not for me to decide.  To help you, the voters of Orange County and beyond, determine whether I am the kind person you would like to pummel, debase and degrade while I bring disgrace and dishonor to the office, I will answer some of the questions from this past Monday (7/23/07) night's CNN/YouTube debate.

Davis Fleetwood from Groton, Massachusetts: How would America be better off with you as president than we would be if either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama became president? 

Answer: We have looming before us two families being in charge of the presidency for 28 consecutive years, or longer, if Hillary Clinton were to be elected and then re-elected, with likely prospect that Jeb Bush would succeed her.  With me as president, that bi-familial stranglehold would be broken.  Obama would do that as well -- but set an uncomfortable precedent, which I would not, of being a president with an unAmerican name.

Rob Porter from Irvine, California:  Would you use the word "liberal" to describe yourself?

Yes, and proudly so.  I am also a progressive, regressive, moderate, forward-thinking, tradition-holding, radical conservative with libertarian values.

Jordan Williams from Coffeyville, Kansas:  Are you authentically black enough, or satisfactorily feminine to be president? 

Yes, in fact, I think I will be blackest president since Bill Clinton left office, and although I am not nearly as hair-stylish as John Edwards, that I can hold my own in tennis playing ladies doubles certainly suggests a certain feminine touch.

Reverend Reggie Longcrier of Hickory, North Carolina:  Is it right for your faith beliefs to be imposed on the American people when you're president of the United States?

When I'm president I will not impose my beliefs on the American people, heck, I barely impose them on myself.  As long as atheist, agnostic, secular humanist and non-sectarian beliefs are not being imposed on the American people, it will all be fine with me to keep mine out too.

Would you meet with Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Il? 

Yes, preferably in a convenient, yet neutral location such as Guantánamo Bay Naval Base.

Who was your favorite teacher and why?

Jane Delano Brown because she lives in Chapel Hill, and therefore might read this, who was my dissertation advisor, and who through her kindness helped me obtain my doctorate in mass communication research, which places me head and shoulders over Dennis Kucinich who has a mere master of arts in speech and communication.

What will you do to ensure that snowmen live a full and happy life?

I will supply free chest-type freezers to every home in America where each family can store snowmen or snowballs (which may be used for snow cones or snowball fights in July), as will be their free choice.

Do you believe that nuclear power is safer, cleaner and provides a quicker avenue to energy independence than other alternatives? 

Yes, and it's the best way to reduce carbon-dioxide production for the near-term future as well.  Nuclear waste storage is a political problem, not a scientific or technical one.  Encasing nuclear waste containers (along with environmentalists who warn of the doom of planet earth from global warming and still oppose nuclear power) in concrete blocks and placing them in the proposed Yucca Mountain Repository in Nevada, which is conveniently not only the home of Reno and Las Vegas but Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, will do much to solve this political problem as well as others.

In the wake of the elections in Florida in 2000, what do you think of dangling chads and paper trails?

I promise not only to dangle chads but hang jeremys as well.  Also, having learned from Nixon's mistakes, I promise not to leave an audio, video or paper trail.

Would you serve as president at the minimum wage?  (All of the Democrat presidential candidates excepting Chris Dodd said yes to this question. But note, as far as I know, none of them are "serving" for that now.)

No.  I have worked for minimum wage before as the weekend night desk clerk at the Econo-Travel Motel in beautiful inner city Norfolk.  Risking your life for $3.35 an hour (in 1978 dollars) won't worth it then and ain't worth it now.



Gary D. Gaddy is not really going to run for president -- for those of you who are still trying to separate fact from fiction.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday July 26, 2007.


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 10:02 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, July 26, 2007 10:30 AM EDT
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Thursday, July 19, 2007
News in briefs by Fruit of the Loom

Today's news snippets are being brought to you by Fruit of the Loom all-natural undergarments and through the generous support of writers like me.

Horace Williams to become spaceport

CHAPEL HILL -- The University of North Carolina announced today that it is dropping all plans for developing Carolina North into an academic campus and instead will convert Horace Williams Airport to an inter-galactic spaceport. UNC chancellor James Moeser said that continuing local opposition to the reconfiguring of the Horace Williams location as a mixed use research, educational and residential development had convinced the University administration to look to more "forward-thinking" uses for the property.

"We'll be grand-fathered in as an air transportation hub -- if grand-fathered is the appropriate term to use for transitioning the facility to a 21st century inter-galactic launch and landing site."

According to Moeser, the new complex, which will feature a multi-use, space-themed conference center, will also be the "perfect place for UNC computer science students and other Carrboro residents to hold Star Trek meet-ups, conferences and conventions."

"We had considered offering the airport site to the Navy as an outlying landing field but University ornithologists had recommended against it, saying that there were neither the numbers nor types of birds appropriate for such a use, based on the previously proposed sites in migratory bird pathways in eastern North Carolina," said Moeser.


Duke University to drop football

DURHAM -- Duke University will drop football, according to an internal report leaked to an investigative reporter for the Chapel Hill Herald, and this is likely to occur as soon as the first game of the upcoming season. Given the on-field record of Duke's football team over the last several decades, especially the last several seasons, the closest observers of college football were stunned to realize that they hadn't already.

"I had assumed that the reason that Duke had lost 20 games in a row was due to forfeits. I figured as little attention as Duke's athletic administration pays to football they had simply forgotten to inform their opponents for the last several seasons that they had dropped the sport," said Sports Radio 850 The Buzz Program Director Adam Gold.

When told of the report, Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner John Swofford was quick to note that fielding a football team is a requirement for any school belonging to the ACC -- which would mean that all Duke teams, including their men's basketball team, would be reduced to club sports.

Duke administrators were equally quick to quash the speculation that the leaked report had generated.

"Duke has not and is not terminating its football program," said President Richard Brodhead. "The portions of the report that were released did not reflect accurately the totality of its meaning." said Brodhead. "While I cannot deny that the report said 'Duke to drop football,' the context was a statistical analysis showing that given the rate of turnovers per game, it was highly likely that the team would fumble the ball multiple times in the first quarter of the first game of the season, not including botched extra-point attempts, if any."

Brodhead continued by saying that "Duke football is too important to Duke University to even consider dropping it," noting that in any given year up to one-third of Duke's medical students are former Duke football players.


Ex-Speaker says prosecution "racist"

RALEIGH -- Deposed Speaker of the NC House of Representatives says that he was only prosecuted because he is Black.


Hybrid sales surge following arrest

Tokyo -- Toyota Motor Corporation reports that sales of its hybrid-energy propelled Prius automobile surged 18% in a single week following a July 4 news report that Al Gore III, 24, was arrested in California for speeding. Al Gore was driving a blue Toyota Prius 100 mph on the San Diego Freeway when he was pulled over at 2:15 a.m., Sheriff’s Department spokesman Jim Amormino said.

IN RELATED NEWS: NASCAR insiders say that they are considering adding a "Car of the Day After Tomorrow" division in addition to the Nextel Cup, which will feature only Toyota Prii. The Joe Gibbs Racing team is said to be currently in negotiation with Al Gore III as their lead driver.


Gary D. Gaddy is proud that his parents are one of America’s few multiple Prius-owning households and loves attending UNC-Duke football games at Wallace Wade Stadium where his seat is usually better than the ones he often gets given in the luxury boxes at Kenan.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday July 19, 2007.

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:43 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, July 26, 2007 10:09 AM EDT
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Thursday, July 12, 2007
Global warming thaws Al Gore

SOUTH POLE STATION, Antarctica – In what climatologists say is the definitive sign that the theory of global warming is fact, Al Gore appears to have spontaneously thawed. Gore's frozen visage that many remember from the 2000 presidential campaign no longer exists, say geo-political experts.

Now that he has melted, says North Carolina State University political scientist Dr. Marv Mendenhall, Gore could run more effectively than he did as a solid, changing the whole landscape of the Democrat presidential nomination process.

If Gore begins to run, as Mendenhall expects, this could spell an end to the presidential bid of Chapel Hill's own John Edwards, who, body language experts say, will now come across as the rigid one in comparison.

Frank Paley, Duke University political scientist and economist, points out, however, that his thawing has already cost Gore his position on the Bird's Eye board of directors and will likely lose him the support of the frozen confections industry. Paley also notes that this leaves the frigid vote clearly in the hands of Hillary Clinton.

Gore, the cold and stiff candidate who made fellow northern-state Democrat presidential candidates Michael Dukakis and Walter Mondale seem warm and fuzzy by comparison, is no longer recognizable to even his own family. The change, temporarily hidden by an ecologically correct Grizzly-Adams-type beard, became apparent when Gore shaved it off as part of an "Earth First!" fundraiser. His wife, Mary Elizabeth "Tipper" Gore, onlookers reported, was surprised when she first saw him clean shaven. "He just didn't have that chiseled look that I had grown to love," she said with an edge of despondency.

Gore, according to University of North Carolina art historian Joan Miro-Miro, now looks more like a Salvador Dali painting than the ice sculpture that has been acting as the official Gore vice-presidential portrait. Climate scientists believe the melting began when Gore was onsite in Antarctica observing the photographing of the nature film "March of the Penguins." Wake Forest University political psychologist Dr. Werner von Krankeit said that he believes that the tipping point for Gore may have come when he recognized himself in the Emperor penguins walk.

While environmentalists have hailed the Gore-based documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth," as ice breaking, unfortunately, they are also concerned as Gore's new energy and passion are thought to be responsible for most of this year's 0.2 degree (Celsius) increase in the mean global temperature.


Congress solution to energy crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Enron, the world's largest natural gas company, today announced during a public ceremony tapping the Capitol Dome that it has solved the world energy crisis. "Our latest tests show that the Capitol produces more natural gas daily than the combined output of Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and several other notable Stans," said Enron's Dr. Furken Farzengruper.

Gas generation, Farzengruper said, is primarily a Senate byproduct. While the House of Representatives also manufactures substantial amounts of gaseous substances, Farzengruper noted that its natural gas is diluted by large quantities of hot air. "As a fossil fuel, natural gas is much more naturally and purely produced by the Senate," concluded Farzengruper.

Environmentalists are ecstatic at this news, noting that capping the Capitol would immediately reduce U.S. emissions of the major greenhouse gasses methane, ethane, propane, butane and inane by an amount several times larger than that called for over the next decade by the Kyoto Accords.

Some concern was expressed by a consulting engineer from North Carolina State University about the long-term prospects for this find. Dr. Garland Leipugh said that his mathematical simulations show that the loss of Senator Edward "Teddy" Kennedy (D-Mass.) alone could dramatically change future production rates.

"Senator Kennedy expels each day the natural gas equivalent of 200 rotting whales," said Leipugh. "So, the Senator's health, of course, concerns us. If the Senator were to pass, while it would certainly lead to a temporary spike in production, eventually his quota would have to be replaced. None of the younger senators seem capable of producing even a fraction of Senator Kennedy's daily output," he added. Professor Leipugh also indicated, that if revived, the proposed ban on filibusters of judicial nominees could cut total gas yield by a factor of two.

Alternate gas sources are being sought. Tests on the White House, unfortunately, indicate that the copious volumes of natural gas it produces cannot be harvested at this time as it is quickly sucked into a localized but seemingly permanent vacuum in the West Wing. Early tests on the press briefing room are promising however.

Efforts to apply similar technology in North Carolina have met with little success as experts have determined that both its Capitol Dome and Governor's mansion are filled with holes.


Gary D. Gaddy attended the first Earth Day demonstration and teach-in on April 22, 1970 in Boston, Massachusetts. (Go to to see past columns.)

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday July 5, 2007.  Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 5:55 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, July 12, 2007 8:22 PM EDT
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