WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Continuing to grope for an answer to the conundrum of how to provide enhanced security against terrorists who are targeting airline travel while it tries to satisfy the traveling public, the Transportation Security Administration today announced a set of initiatives and refinements to existing policies and technologies.

"We're feeling our way through this sensitive process," said transportation security chief John Pistole.  While he wanted to make clear that the changes in protocol are "still being massaged," Pistole enumerated a series of policy adjustments being put into place immediately.

Those who are offended, or might potentially be offended, by the revealing visual full body scans, may use lead aprons like those used during dental X-rays.  For others less sensitive, 9x12 glossy prints suitable for framing will be made available at a nominal cost.

In order to reduce delays caused by those opting out of the body scans, passengers will no longer be allowed to request repeat pat downs, said Pistole.

The TSA will change its hiring criteria. "Using licensed masseurs and masseuses for the manual body screenings seemed like a good idea at the time, but we are re-thinking it," he added.

Passengers will be pre-sorted before passing through the security portal according to threat level, but, to avoid profiling, the passengers will self-assess.  The preliminary categories will be labeled "Not a Terrorist at this Time," "Incompetent Terrorist" and "Competent Terrorist."

Said Pistole, "We expect to spend the most time with the 'Not a Terrorist' and the 'Competent Terrorist' categories as our current screening and detection protocols have been shown to work well with incompetent terrorists."

Pilots, flight crew members as well as passengers traveling commando will no longer be subject to underwear searches.

The Air Travel Liquid ban, which was initiated by the TSA in 2006 after British police foiled a plot to blow up airliners with liquid explosives and which limits Americans to bringing only 3.4-ounce-and-smaller bottles in plastic baggies through the security gate, has been relaxed to allow non-clear liquor in mini-bottles, as it has been determined to be forbidden under Sharia law.

Printer toner cartridges in general will no longer be banned from carry-on luggage, as they were immediately following the incidents on Oct. 29 in which bombs crafted from laser printer toner cartridges were discovered on flights from Yemen to Canada and the United States.

"Careful further examination of those bombs shows that they all were constructed from Canon products, and from a limited range of models.  To reduce the burden on the public, especially those who like to print hard copies while in flight, we will only exclude model numbers CRG-104, L104, 104 and 104-compatible cartridges," said Pistole.

Following a careful analysis of the attempt by “Shoe Bomber” Richard C. Reid to blow up an American Airlines flight out of Paris on Dec. 22, 2001, Pistole said the TSA will limit its requests to remove shoes to those wearing Bass "Weejun"-type cordovan loafers of men's size 11 wide.

Further, Pistole said he had followed up on the recent report of an ABC News employee traveling through Newark Liberty International Airport Sunday morning, who said that the TSA officer who checked her "reached her hands inside my underwear and felt her way around." Pistole said the report was verified and the TSA employee has been charged with practicing medicine without a license.

Per a  request made by Pistole as he concluded this interview, all travelers are asked not disburse information on these new procedures to any known or probable terrorists regardless of competency as the TSA would like to keep them secret for as long as possible.


Gary D. Gaddy likes to make jokes about almost everything to just about anyone -- but not around Transportation Security Administration employees.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday November 26, 2010.

Copyright  2010  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 2:26 PM EST

Updated: Sunday, December 5, 2010 7:48 PM EST

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Apologies again to my readers.  Due to preparations for an upcoming family reunion, I have not had the time or energy to write my regular column.  In its place, I did find an interesting news article from ABloombergNews.com that I thought my readers might appreciate.  My regular column may return next week.

***

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a move that analysts are calling a brilliant combination of fiscal and political calculus, the United States has agreed to sell the state of California to the People's Republic of China for a portion of China's U.S. federal debt holdings.  The selling price was not released.

According to one political scientist, Georgetown University's Holden Cardwell, this sale was to be expected in its general direction but not in its scope. "This is unusual in that foreign creditor nations typically buy up debtor nations piecemeal, one major corporation, one sizeable real estate holding at a time," said Cardwell, "but not in a chunk as large as a state like California."  California's economy is the largest of any U.S. state, and would be, if it were a country, the eighth largest economy in the world, said Cardwell.

The sale of California will solve one looming crisis for the federal government.  As it is financially insolvent, it was only a matter of time before California went bankrupt and came to the federal government for a handout, a bailout or in receivership, said Cardwell.

California, to use a real estate term, is under water, said former Bear-Stearns government securities analyst Mortimer Grist. "Completely submerged," said Grist, "with little likelihood of getting its nose above the surface anytime soon.  The entire crew of Baywatch couldn't rescue this puppy."

According to BusinessInsider.com, California currently faces an estimated $25 billion shortfall and red ink for as far as the eye can see.

Because of the state's massive debt obligations, particularly public employee pension funds, the sale of the state will bring in relatively few dollars to the federal treasury, but will prevent a major default in state issued bonds and relieve the federal government from assuming responsibility for these obligations.

[Editor's note: In 2006, California’s local government employees were paid on average $60,780 annually.  Under one California law, Three-for-Thirty, public employees get a pension of 3% of their salary for every year they work, so that after 30 years of work, with a retirement age as young as 51, an employee could receive 90% of his or her final year’s salary. As a result, in 2009, for example, about 3,000 former public school teachers received pensions of more than $100,000 per year, some collecting more than $150,000.]

President Barack Obama supported the move on a political as well as financial basis.  "It will free me from my friend Nancy [Pelosi], who lost me the House I had won," Obama is said to have said, according a well-placed White House source.

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, for the first time in the Obama era, worked with the president.

"Giving him one bipartisan victory was worth it to McConnell and the Republican House majority leadership," said a source within the Republican caucus, "if only to get rid of Hollywood."

"I would have been willing to give up the whole Pacific Time Zone not have to listen to Sean Penn testifying in front of one more Senate hearing on God knows what," said Senator Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.).

The sale itself did not surprise some economic observers but China as the buyer did.  Financial analysts had long thought that the best offer was likely to come from one of the major Mexican drug cartels.  Rumor had it that drug lord Rafael Muñoz Talavera of the Juárez cartel made a lucrative cash and in-kind offer that was being seriously considered before the emissaries from Beijing arrived on the scene.

Early polls of California residents show a split on support for the Chinese takeover.  A majority, especially high among those from the Bay area, support the sale.  Those opposed, most of whom are clustered in the Beverly Hills area of Los Angeles, expressed disappointment that the reputed offer from Venezuela had not been more seriously considered.


Gary D. Gaddy has a North Carolina state government pension due to him -- some day -- but it won't be worth writing a column about.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday November 19, 2010.

Copyright  2010  Gary D. Gaddy 
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EST

Updated: Tuesday, November 23, 2010 2:44 PM EST

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I AM NOT SAYING I had anything to do with it but . . . I am hard pressed to say it was a coincidence. (Especially since I don't believe in coincidence.) Two weeks ago I drove to Pittsburgh to pick up my lovely, talented and now grandmotherly wife who had flown up to see the precious little Adrian Gray who was born on the same day that my niece Kristina was moved, to everyone's great joy, to the cancer ward. As my brother said at the time, "everything is relative." When you have been in the intensive care unit, the cancer ward is a move up. Only Kristina's news could have beat out Carson and Nathan's birth announcement for sheer joy.

Anyway, when I stopped by Morgantown on Wednesday, October 27, where Kristina was being treated in the West Virginia University Hospital, I gave her a gift I had bought at Lil John's Mountain Music Festival. It was small handmade rosin dispenser (with aged rosin), like a fiddler might be wont to use. As I gave it to Kristina, I quoted to her from one of the all-time greatest old-time songs, Jack of Diamonds (which is also known as Rye Whiskey or the Drunkard's Hiccups), which quote I hoped would be an inspiration to her:

Gonna take down my fiddle;
Gonna rosin up my bow;
Gonna make myself welcome
Wherever I go.

Then on Saturday, November 6, 2010, her dad asked this question in the following edited CaringBridge post:

Anybody know of a fiddlers' convention with a category for "Best-fiddler-with-IV-line-attached (old-time)"? Kristina's practicing. [See the photo on left for Kristina's new therapy regime.  Picture a fiddle hanging on an IV tree.]

Yes, here she is, finally got her baby back in arms. We walked around the halls and found an empty room, where Kristina gave me (her dad Cliff) and Mike (her artist boyfriend) a little concert.

As you can tell, Kristina's in great spirits. As the doctors have said, all the staff talk about how much they enjoy coming into Kristina's room, because they know she'll be smiling and joking.

Oh, yes, why does Kristina have an IV line attached at all? We are pretty sure it is like a Martha Stewart-style ankle bracelet. They think it may deter her from escaping again.

End Post.

Below is from his CaringBridge post from two days later:

[Note: My brother is not a caps-lock kinda guy. (When he once seriously considered graduate study in linguistics, my thought was that he would specialize in punctuation.) But there are days that demand the caps lock be turned on and left on. (But, let's be honest, he could have used more exclamation points!!!!)]

KRISTINA'S OUT OF THE HOSPITAL!

I [her dad] just received a phone call from Kristina -- she's in the car leaving Morgantown and on the way to Elkins! She and Kerstin [her very Swedish mom] will spend the night there, and then it's on to Kensington tomorrow.

Yes, she was officially discharged. The white cell counts zoomed upward over the past two days, so the doctors cut back on the antibiotics and antifungal medicines and released her.

It's hard to believe. It was four weeks ago, almost to the minute, that she was admitted to West Virginia University Hospital's cancer unit and then diagnosed with acute leukemia. It was only a little more than two weeks ago that she was on life support in the intensive care unit. And now she's going home. It's really a miracle. Thanks to everyone at that hospital who helped save her life at all the different critical stages. And thanks to all of you who gave her such strong moral support all the time.

But don't stop now. Kristina will now begin, almost immediately, follow-up chemo treatments designed to rid her of this disease completely. We can later give you more information about what's in store, but we know that it will last continuously for about four months. At least in the beginning she'll be [home] in Kensington and going to a hospital or clinic for out-patient chemo treatments.

That's it for now. I'm sure there will be more to write once we settle down a bit.

End Post.

And little Adrian’s doing great too. He's sleeping like a baby. [See the photo on right for proof. Imagine a photo of a week-old baby sleeping on a table.] (And yes, his dad was standing right by in case Adrian moved – but they know this boy sleeps like a rock.)


Gary D. Gaddy has requested that Kristina work on the fiddle part for Jack of Diamonds.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday November 12, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 12:01 AM EST

Updated: Thursday, December 9, 2010 8:20 AM EST

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WHEN I WAS YOUNG, maybe three or four years old, and our family was living on Marshall Terrace in Danville, Virginia, my best friend was named Paul. (We called him Skip, and his mother always called him Skipper.) Our families were neighbors and our mothers were best friends. Our mothers did lots together as they were both, unremarkably for the era, stay-at-home moms with multiple kids.

Skip's mom, Jane, was a force of nature, even then. My family has a slide show of the Fourth of July parade that Jane organized for our street, which was essentially one long block. You can see Skipper and me on our festooned tricycles. As I remember it, the parade also had a pony, and Uncle Sam, and various wagons decorated as floats. Those were the days.

I recently got re-acquainted with Skipper myself. If you haven’t already, you will probably be acquainting yourselves with him as well. Before Tuesday, it had been, as you may have heard, 112 years since the Republican Party had control of the North Carolina state legislature.

Rep. Paul "Skip" Stam (R-Wake) has a good chance of becoming the next Speaker of the our state's House of Representatives. I may be biased, but Skip Stam will be a good one: open, honorable, honest and forthright (which is more than we can say about some of his predecessors). And as his mother told me long ago, when he competed in anything, he always knew the rules and played by them.

He is, not just in my opinion, one of the best, if not the best, legislator in the legislature. While he was in the minority, Democratic legislators, even very liberal ones, would go to Rep. Stam for help in crafting bills. He knows how to construct bills that make good laws – and he is constructive enough to take even what he thought was a bad bill and make from it a better law.

I will tell you how good he is. For this election cycle, the News and Observer endorsed him – one of the more conservative members of the legislature. (I will note, cynically, that the N&O editors were probably well aware that he was a shoo-in for re-election in his race.)

It was, in my opinion, time for this election's outcome. After a hundred years of one party calling the shots, I would say it's time another gets at least one. Here are some reasons why.

Our state's schools are failing a large number of our students. Read any comparison of the states in terms of elementary and secondary education – keeping in mind that the country as a whole is failing in comparison to other school systems in the developed world. Competition could help change that. Even Oprah supports charter schools, and Stam proposes to eliminate the cap on charter schools.

Corruption is as endemic in our state government as it is in almost any Third-World country’s. (Read the newspaper on any given day.) Stam commits to pass a law requiring a valid photo ID to vote, to end pay-to-play politics and to limit government power by passing an eminent domain constitutional amendment to protect private property from government confiscation for private development.

Stam commits to balancing the state budget without raising tax rates, then making our tax rates competitive with other states, while reducing the regulatory burden on small business. It won't be easy, but Stam says they will try.

But there is, in my mind, one reason sufficient to not be dismayed at Stam and the Republicans being given a chance to run our state's legislative branch. Next time you look at a map of this election's U.S. congressional races, don't look at who won and who lost, just look at the shapes of the districts.

These reptilian entities are an abomination to every principle of reasonableness, fairness and common decency. Elbridge Gerry would be embarrassed looking at them. These are the unconstitutional products (as determined by repeated decisions of the U.S. Supreme Court) of our Democratically controlled legislature. These districts run down highway medians and follow along the banks of rivers picking up voters of a particular hue and political stripe to create districts that will vote dependably one way. They are an anathema to true democracy.

As Chris Fitzsimon of the liberal advocacy organization North Carolina Policywatch says, "Politicians shouldn't choose their voters; voters should choose their politicians." Maybe the next year will see principle placed over politics and have redistricting done by an independent redistricting commission, one that operates in a way that promotes democracy rather than incumbency. Stam has supported the creation of one for more than a decade.

I don’t know about you, but if Stam accomplishes even some of this, I will be happy about this election.

Gary D. Gaddy voted early but not very often – though he could have.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday November 5, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy 
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EDT

Updated: Saturday, November 6, 2010 11:36 PM EDT

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I was in a convenience store recently when it was robbed.  Even sitting here at my computer I can see the frightened look in your eyes.  No, it wasn’t a robbery like that.  It was shoplifting.  It was, however, a real robbery -- and a lot of people really did get robbed.

I was heading home from Fuquay-Varina north on Hwy. 401 toward Raleigh when the road started looking unfamiliar so I decided to stop and make sure I hadn't already driven past I-40 without noticing. (Yeah, I could do that.)  I stopped at a gas station convenience market on South Saunders Street, in one of the poorer Raleigh neighborhoods, to buy something, mostly as an excuse to ask the clerk for directions.

As I entered a group of four or five adolescents entered with me, one of whom was displaying several dollar bills in his hand.  As we entered the store the clerk was coming out from the back of the store.

These kids quickly dispersed throughout the store's cramped aisles between the high display racks.  One, who I watched put a pack of Twinkies in the kangaroo pouch on his sweatshirt, was blocking my view of the Danish pastry display.  He asked, politely, if he was in my way.

In a few moments they were gone from the store with their takings.  I am not sure that any of them paid for anything.  Most got the five-finger discount for their selections.  I can't really say but my guess is that the group of them took $10 or $20 worth of goodies.

The store clerk, I think, knew what was happening but did nothing.  What could he do?  Even if he had a shotgun behind the counter, like in some Wild West saloon, he likely wouldn't have pulled it out.  One of them could have had a gun too -- and who's going to die for $20 while working a slightly above minimum wage job?  Given the neighborhood, I have a suspicion this was neither the first nor the last of such coordinated robbings.

So, who got robbed?  The owners of the store, of course.  Theft comes straight out of profit.  I was robbed, along with any other customers present and future.  Higher prices pay partially for "inventory shrinkage."  The people who live in the neighborhood of the store will be especially hit by that -- and will be hit even harder if stores in the neighborhood all decide the price of doing business there is too high.

So, who else got robbed?  Their friends, that is, the guys who live down the street, who go to their schools, the guys who look like them.  Guys who will be looked upon with suspicion everywhere they go.  As you may have assumed already, these teens were African-American.

These were not, based on their good manners, thugs.  But, I predict reluctantly, they will be.  Here's why.  They were young and black and learning, wrongly I would say, that crime does pay.  The taste of the Twinkies will tell them that, a sweet savor that will last but a moment -- while the trajectory of these smallish misdeeds will last much longer.

Based on their dispositions as they rummaged through the store, they thought crime was fun.  But that fun feeling won't stay with them for long, as eventually, the statistics say, they will get caught.  Among males, blacks are six times more likely than whites (28.5% vs. 4.4%) to be admitted to prison during their life, which leads to this sad statistic:  In America more black males are in prison than are in college.

African-American males are more than twice as likely to be unemployed as white males. Add a notable criminal conviction to your resume and you aren't unemployed, you're unemployable, which leaves panhandling -- and criminal activity -- as about the only ways to make money.

Oh, yeah, I got my directions.  I hadn't missed I-40.  But I did have to make a U-turn to get there, something I hope that some of these kids will do too.

Gary D. Gaddy briefly worked as the weekend night desk clerk at the Econo-Lodge Motel in inner city Norfolk which is not too far from south Raleigh.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EDT

Updated: Sunday, October 31, 2010 3:32 PM EDT

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KRISTINA ISN'T OUT OF THE WOODS YET. (She couldn't be because she is still in West Virginia.) And she hasn't climbed her last mountain either. (Well, she couldn't have done that either because she is still in West Virginia). But if I were the woods or the mountains, I'd be stayin' outta her way.

Ten days ago, you see, my niece Kristina was diagnosed with leukemia. But if personality and will power have anything to do with it, this leukemia doesn't stand a chance.

I remember the first time I discovered that Kristina, cute and seemingly delicate little Kristina, would do just fine in this tough world. She was about two years old and her brother, older by two years and bigger than her by more than that, came flying at her from across the room. I wanted to intercept him but I was too far away, so all I could do was watch. Right before Benjamin got to her, Kristina stuck her arm out like a crossing guard signaling "Stop!" His forehead ran straight into her palm, leveling him. It was a stiff arm that an all-pro wide receiver would be proud of.

While her brother ran off to his mom, Kristina just shrugged and walked away. I remember thinking, "We don't need to worry about her." So, as you might expect, Kristina took up rugby. (Her favorite rugby match was played in the mud. By the time the match was over all the players on both teams were the same color: brown.)

If playing rugby suggests she's tough, that's just the start. While she was doing a semester abroad in Valparaiso, Chile, Kristina was competing on a rugby pitch when she hurt her hand. She didn't just finish the match, she scored a goal -- while having, it turns out, several fractured bones in her hand. This pretty thing with her stunning red hair and beautiful blue eyes could eat nails for breakfast (as long as they were vegetarian).

When our fiddle-playin' Kristina was diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia, she was immediately hospitalized at West Virginia University Hospital in Morgantown where she is expected to be hospitalized for a month during her chemotherapy. The good news is that this is an acute myelogenous leukemia that "is associated with the highest proportion of patients who are presumably cured of their disease."

Some progressive physicians like for their patients to take charge of their treatment. Let's hope Kristina's WVU doctors are quite progressive. Here's an updated and abbreviated version of her father's Wednesday posting under "My Story" telling about Kristina's doings this week.

***
On Tuesday we (her mom and dad) got a call from the ICU saying, don't worry, Kristina's in no danger, but she removed "the tube." It wasn't until after hanging up that we realized they didn't say what kind of tube -- IV tube, feeding tube, breathing tube, what?

When we were allowed to return, we found out it was the breathing and feeding tubes. She had removed them herself. Rather than replace them, the doctors decided to see what happened when they were out. In fact, it turns out that she was able to keep them out for the night.

So what really happened with this tube? Here's her story: "I woke up and found myself strapped down on the bed. I had this horrible tube in my throat. I heard and saw people walking around. I wanted to tell them to take the tube out. But I couldn't talk. I felt like the Hulk. So I just used all my strength and lifted my arms up and took away the tube."

We and she are not sure that's exactly what happened. The fact is, she was strapped down. But who knows? Maybe she did break the restraints, or stretch them.

During her "break" from the breathing tubes, Kristina is half-lying, half-sitting up in bed, talking, joking. (I wish I had room to write some of the things she said last night as she was awakening. But some are best kept private. Whatever they gave her would make a good truth serum.)

She is really looking forward to getting back up to the cancer ward (that sounds funny -- but everything's relative), where, in contrast to the ICU, you are allowed to use iPhones and computers. Because then she can read all your messages. And maybe it won't be long before this really turns into MY story -- she'll write herself about her progress.

Gary D. Gaddy is praying for Kristina's recovery -- and hoping the cancer ward is a fiddle-friendly zone.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday October 22, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 11:59 AM EDT

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Due to comments from my editor, Dan "Oh, by the" Way, "suggesting" that I was not putting enough "Local" in my Local Voices column, this week's column is entirely local. Unless he would like more of this, my regular column should return very shortly.

***

Doug and Phil Graves invite the public to the dedication of a new memorial garden at Cross Roads Cemetery this Sunday afternoon at 2 p.m. Refreshments will be served.

On Saturday at noon, Purple Crow Books LLC will have the first public reading offered by Hillsborough's own Rhoda and Rita Buch of their new biography of literary forger Warren Peace.

The interior design firm Roomscape's Shanda Lear says that Roomscape will be adding antiquities to its current offerings with two new sales consultants, Art Sellers and Anne Teake.

At Red Wolf Awards Night at Cedar Ridge High School, physical educator Jim Laucher, traffic safety teacher Rex Easley, art instructor Chip Stone were briefly honored as teachers of the week, before the big guns were rolled out with the fall student awards. "Band" was taken by Claire-Annette Reede, "Music Theory" was shared by Bea Minor and Dee Major, "Traditional Music" Amanda Lynn, "Dance" Corey O. Graff and "Musical Direction" Barbara Seville.

Meanwhile at Orange High, volunteers of the year Seymour Butz and Sawyer Heinie were given the "Big Black Bag" for leading in-game cleanup during football season. Also honored were the Orange-You-Glad Teachers of the Year physics instructor Annie Madder, English teacher Reid Enright and music teacher Paige Turner.

Carolina Vision Associates' chief optometrist Dr. Kenny Look is proud to announce the addition of optician Kent C. Strait, who just completed his studies at Iowa Central University's optics program. Dr. Strait finished first in his class at ICU.

Family Centered Health Care has greatly expanded its staff, making it the largest medical practice in the county, adding anesthesiologists Drs. Moe Gass, Les Payne and Estelle Hertz, gastroenterologist Dr. Emma Royds, general practitioner Dr. Lance Boyle, gynecologist Dr. Sy Hymen, medical geneticist Eugene Poole, neurologist Dr. Sarah Bellum, orthopedist Dr. Hugh Morris, pediatrician Dr. Tad Hurt, psychologist Dr. Ophelia Payne, sleep specialist Dr. Constance Noring, and urologist Dr. Uriah P. Freely.

All this week dentists Drs. Phil Ling and DeeDee Kay, DDS, are celebrating the career of Les Plack, "dental assistant extraordinaire," for his 30 years of combined service with their practices.

The personal injury law firm of Faison & Gillespie has acquired the firm of Moore & Moore (general partners Tad Moore and Morris Moore). Moore & Moore, perhaps not coincidentally, recently announced the hiring of Soo Yu as an associate.

Sheriff Lindy Pendergrass says the Orange County Sheriff's Office will be shuffling their its following the resignation of Deputy Pat Downe from the force following allegations of sexual harassment during traffic stops with the promotion to lieutenant of Deputy Marshall Law and to captain of Lieutenant Lauren Norder.

Eaton Wright and Liv Good of Food Choices have added a weight-loss specialist, Anna Recksiek, to what they smilingly call their "growing shrinking business."

After 18 years of business, Max Groady Clean-Up Services is closing its doors. Max will be retiring to Whynot in Randolph County.

The Bargain Bin's Lois Price and the Happy Factory's Barbee Dahl are mulling collaborating with local entrepreneur Ferris Wheeler to provide outdoor as well as indoor amusements. Watch for more details.

CPAs and tax advisors, Owen Moore and Owen Bigg, the Owens, as they are commonly known to their friends and associates, are expanding Moore & Bigg to encompass institutional financial consulting in their service array. They will be working with Robin Banks and Robin Moore-Banks of Banks and Moore-Banks who just added Phillip D. Baggs to their partnership.

Sunny Daze Plants is expanding its staff by hiring Raynor Schein, Douglas Furr, Russell Leeves, Rose Gardner and Pete Moss to their installation division.

Saratoga Grill wishes pasta chef Al Dente well as he leaves and welcomes on board new prep cook Russell Sproutt and dessert chef Sue Flay.

Siblings Winsome Cash and Owen D. Cash of Prospect Hill in Caswell County were the final $1 million winners in the N.C. Education Lottery's Cash Splash Millionaire Raffle. The ticket was sold at Ken's Quickie Mart on N.C. Highway 86 North.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Chapel Hill Police Department has asked that it be duly noted that Jim Huegerich, its crisis human services manager, gave no assistance in the compilation of this column.


Gary D. Gaddy is, currently, an Orange County local.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday October 15, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:54 AM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, October 20, 2010 8:50 PM EDT

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I KNOW THE OFFICIAL NAME is the Employment Security Commission, but everywhere I have ever lived, everyone, without a hint of sarcasm, calls it the Unemployment Office – because that is what it is. It is where you go when you are unemployed.

Recently, in one of the latest installments in a bewildering series of incompetencies, malfeasances and corruptions uncovered in our state's government, we learned that the Employment Security Commission of North Carolina overpaid tens of thousands of the unemployed workers in our state by tens of millions of dollars – and then, to rectify the problem – demanded full repayment or it was going to severely cut their checks – with barely any notice – for a problem not of their doing.

This problem, and its problematic solution, had been brewing for a while. The U.S. Department of Labor said this week that it notified the ESC of the programming errors last November, almost a year ago, after a routine review it conducted with all states. State auditors found that the ESC was making numerous mistakes when calculating benefits, particularly for those receiving federal stimulus dollars, said Dennis Patterson, a spokesman for the state auditor's office.

"It was a whole pile of different things," Patterson added, providing an image evocative of a smell emanating from a cattle yard.

Originally, auditors discovered about $190,000 in overpayments after looking at a sample of about 4,500 cases. The ESC told auditors it knew about the problem and was working to rectify it. Patterson said state auditors did not know the scope of the overpayments until last week when the ESC announced about 38,000 recipients had been overpaid $28 million.

The ESC’s Information Services Section, which originally programmed the errors, is also responsible for programming the fixes to halt the overpayments to long-term unemployed workers, said Patterson.

Although I am aware that our state's unemployment rate is quite high, I think it should be higher as some of those currently employed at the Employment Security Commission should instead be availing themselves of its services – after being terminated from their jobs there.

This week Governor Beverly Perdue announced the repayment of these overpayments would be waived. Maybe she has the authority to forgive these overpayments, but I don’t know where it comes from. Just for the record it is not her money, it is yours and mine.

It is reported that the ESC is continuing to negotiate with the U.S. Department of Labor about how to resolve the funding for the overpayments. I can tell you this: it will be repaid with tax dollars, one way or the other, so get out your wallets.

"I'm going to find out why something so ludicrous happened," said Perdue.

"I've got to fix the system,” Perdue is also quoted as saying. "I've got to fix the leadership team to be sure we have people in place who can do what they need to do," she said. "I'm not at all reluctant to ask somebody to leave my administration,” she added.

Personally I think that the governor is on the right track. To get to the bottom of all of this, the governor should go to the top.
Given the all the recent revelations concerning the poor, pathetic and/or perverse performance of her administration (including, but not limited to, the State Bureau of Investigation, state parole office, state board of elections, state mental health services, state Highway Patrol, state Department of Transportation, state Alcoholic Beverage Control, state School for the Deaf, and state’s UNC-TV – not to overstate things – but also adding the fines levied after the “hasty” investigation of her state gubernatorial campaign for undeclared contributions-in-kind in the form of 42 unreported, privately funded flights), maybe Governor Perdue should consider asking Governor Perdue to resign.

Gary D. Gaddy used to work for the state of North Carolina before he had to let himself go. 

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday October 8, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:54 AM EDT

Updated: Monday, February 7, 2011 12:56 PM EST

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Progressive media in national OCD clinical study 

BETHESDA, Md. — The National Institute of Mental Health announced today a $7.7 million grant to fund a collaborative study with the University of North Carolina’s School of Medicine and Georgetown University's Center for the Study of Media and Politics to examine a widespread strain of obsessive-compulsive disorder which is especially prevalent among progressives in the media. Researchers have dubbed the syndrome SPOB, or Sarah Palin on the Brain.

The genesis of the study was a report that estimated that 58% of Palin's Twitter account readers are left-leaning journalists and progressive political consultants who are trying to figure out why apparently educated people would be so stupid as to spend their days reading a political non-entity's every frivolous thought. This study hopes to answer that question.

Being Marvin Austin!  The first Twitter-based musical

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. — University of North Carolina football player Marvin Austin, who is unable to play football while various allegations regarding activities which may have rendered him ineligible for play in NCAA-sanctioned sporting contests are being resolved, is making the most of his new-found freedom, teaming up with rapper Rick Ross to create the what is thought to be the first Twitter-based musical: "Being Marvin Austin!"

Known for his nimble footwork and prolific tweeting, Austin will star in the musical, which will feature extended sequences of mime as well as song and dance. "Being Marvin Austin!" is slated for opening during the PlayMakers Repertory Company's spring season.

Law & Order SVU/SBI to come to NC

RALEIGH, N.C. — North Carolina Governor Beverly Perdue announced on Thursday that the North Carolina Film Office's Film Incentives Program will be providing tax inducements to Universal Media Studios, which produces the Law & Order franchise, to bring production of a new television series "Law & Order SVU/SBI" to North Carolina.

The dramatic series will cover the special victims of the State Bureau of Investigation's crime lab unit.

"We were going to be re-doing dozens if not hundreds of criminal trials because of the SBI crime lab unit's malfeasance and fraud anyway so we thought we might get a little mileage out of them," said state Attorney General Roy Cooper.

Even though the Law & Order SVU/SBI series will incorporate factual content, Governor Perdue said that she believes that this tax incentive will not fall under the program's exception for news broadcasts since recurring reports of corruption, incompetence and cronyism in North Carolina state government are no longer considered news.

GARY GADDY WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE for being unable, again, to produce his weekly column due to his busy schedule last week at the Solatido Workshop, a five-day retreat for aspiring and seasoned songwriters, held at beautiful Wildacres near Little Switzerland. In its stead, his crack staff has collected several media-related news stories even his attentive reader(s) may have missed. His regular column should return shortly. [For those who think that Dr. Gaddy is spending too much time in frivolous pursuits should consider that Solatido is a lot like college only with less drinking and more singing.]

Gary D. Gaddy has a doctorate in Mass Communication Research, otherwise known as a Ph.D. in TV.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday October 1, 2010.

Copyright 2010  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EDT

Updated: Monday, December 27, 2010 5:29 PM EST

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THE FOLLOWING PARABLE has floated around the Internet in various versions for a while. The author is in question but may be one Don Dodson, who submitted a letter to the editor of the Chicago Tribune printed on March 4, 2001. My slightly adjusted take stands apropos to the current debate on the expiring federal tax cuts.

Over lunch two friends discussed the proposal to extend the Bush-era federal government tax cuts. "I'm opposed to those tax cuts," the college professor declared, "because they benefit the rich. The rich get much more money back than ordinary taxpayers like you and me and that's not fair."

"But the rich pay more in the first place," his businessman friend argued, "so it stands to reason that they'd get more money back." He could tell that his professor friend was unimpressed by this argument, still contending that the "rich" get a free ride in America.

Then the businessman told this parable: Suppose that every evening ten men go to a restaurant for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. They paid the bill the way we pay our federal taxes. The first four men would pay nothing; the fifth would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3; the seventh $7; the eighth $12; the ninth $17. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $60.

0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 1 + 3 + 7 + 12 + 17 + 60 = $100 cost of dinner

The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed happy with the arrangement until the owner threw them a curve. "Since you're all such good customers," the owner said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." Now dinner for the 10 would only cost $80.

The first four are unaffected; they still eat for free. So, how are we to divvy up the $20 savings among the remaining six so that everyone gets his fair share? Divided among the six equally, $20 is $3.33 each, but if we subtract that from each share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being paid to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner worked out the amounts each should pay by using reductions proportional to what they were paying. Now the first four still paid nothing, the fifth man paid 80 cents, the sixth pitched in $2.40, the seventh paid $5.60, the eighth paid $9.60, and the ninth paid $13.40, leaving the tenth man with a bill of $48 instead of $60.

0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + .80 + 2.40 + 5.60 + 9.60 + 13.40 + 48.00 = $80 reduced cost of dinner

Outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I just got a measly 20 cents out the $20," complained the fifth man, pointing to the tenth, "and he got $12!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the sixth man. "I only got sixty cents. It's unfair that he got twenty times as much as me!"

"That's true," shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $12 back when I got less than $3? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor."

0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + (-.20) + (-.60) + (-1.40) + (-2.40) + (-3.40) + (-12.00) = (-$20) savings on dinner

Then the nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something: they were $48 short!

And that, boys, girls, and college professors, is how America's progressive tax system works. Those who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table any more.

After all, there are lots of good restaurants in Monaco and the Caribbean.


Gary D. Gaddy has figured out who the rich are -- everybody who has more money than he has.  

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday September 24, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 10:31 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, November 6, 2010 9:18 AM EDT

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BELOW IS A LETTER TO THE EDITOR of the Chapel Hill Herald written by North Carolina State Senator Eleanor Kinnaird in reply to the column above: "Dinner for Ten: A Parable of Tax Cuts."  It is a classic liberal response:  all heart and no head.  Although Ellie is as sweet as can be, her malign characterization of how the wealthy diners in her parable became wealthy makes me want to beat them up too.  Any chance any of the wealthy got there by making good personal decisions, studying diligently, working hard, investing their resources well or taking prudent risks on good business ideas, all of which benefited not just them and their families but their communities and their countries as well?  Didn't think so.  (And as for the primary point of the column, that if you cut taxes it will be the people who pay taxes who will get their money back, is there any reason that there are no observations on that point?)

The Letter:  Here's a different lesson on taxation

Gary Gaddy in his column posits a tax lesson using an example of 10 friends who go to dinner together weekly and split the bill in increasingly uneven ways. Those who end up paying the least push the balance onto the unlucky few, who, as a result, abandon the dinner altogether and find restaurants in Monaco and the Caribbean and presumably another group willing to split the bill evenly.

I will posit a different set of friends going to dinner together. Two are hedge fund managers who specialized in collecting mortgages lent to poor people who didn't understand the devastating terms of the loans. Two are industrialists who closed their U.S. plants and moved them off shore where they can pay low wages and ignore safety and environmental standards. Two are factory workers who lost their jobs when the factories closed. Two are single women whose husbands took off and left them with children to raise by themselves. Two work for fast-food restaurants at minimum wages.

In the beginning, they can all split the bill evenly. But after a while, the factory workers run out of unemployment payments, those with the balloon payments on their mortgages are losing their homes to foreclosure, the single women no longer get support payments and the fast-food workers' cars blow up, leaving them without a way to get to work. (There is no transit in their town.)

In the meantime, the hedge fund managers get $10 million bonuses, the industrialists buy homes in Monaco and the Caribbean, and all four stop going to church, where they are commanded to take care of the poor and love their neighbors as themselves.

Eleanor Kinnaird
Carrboro

This letter to the editor was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Wednesday September 29, 2010 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:20 AM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:44 AM EDT

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WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME how I met my wife I usually respond with a question: "Do you want the story we told our parents or the true story?" Or, if I am in a hurry, I say "On a tennis court" (which is true – and is the short version of what we told our parents). You, my loyal readers, deserve better: the unexpurgated, the unadulterated, the unabridged, and only slightly edited story of our romance.

We did meet on a tennis court. This is true. The first time I ever saw Sandra was in the parking lot of Cedar Falls Park on the way to the tennis courts – for a match with her. Saying "we met on a tennis court," of course, does not explain how we both came to be there.

This is the part that we weren't so sure our parents would understand, so we kindly left out. (Now that they are all over 80 years of age, we think they can handle it. I guess shortly we will find out if we are right.) The true story is we met through a personal ad.

Do understand that personal ads weren't quite as sleazy in 1994 as they are now. Normal people could meet normal people through an Independent classified then. I would like to say it was through the ad that I ran – but she never responded to mine. (I am not sure which part of my ad may have dissuaded her from contacting me: "Looking for a Cindy Crawford/Mother Teresa mix," or the reference implying I enjoyed listening to Barry Manilow, or the final "No navel rings!" line – or perhaps it was because she never read it at all.) But the truth of the matter is we met when I responded to her ad.

This is shocking, isn't it? Shocking that I would have to stoop to reading personal ads to find a mate. Shocking that my lovely and talented wife would have to stoop to running a personal ad to get a date. Shocking that the ad was a fraud.

I wish I could find the original ad so I could quote it verbatim. I tore it out of the paper and kept it for a long time – and I remember it pretty well. Here are some of the key phrases: "Uptown girl looking for a downtown guy" and "Over-educated white female" and "Not fat, not skinny" and "Is willing to lower her standards, this once, just because she needs a tennis partner." She sounded perfect to me.

I fell for the person who wrote that ad – and here’s the fraud – she didn't write it. She didn't even submit it to the Independent. Her good buddy Bill – her regular tennis and squash opponent – who was a professional single (he once ran a dating service, probably to get dates), and a con man extraordinaire, "helped her write it" and "ran it for her."  

But after a while – that is, the first moment I saw her smile as she greeted me in the Cedar Falls parking lot – I was falling for her, too.

Need some proof? Here are some song lyrics (which are still looking for music after all these years) that I wrote just days after we first met.

***

Perfect For Me

My eyes are open. I'm looking too.
I'm still falling in love with you.

I can see flaws, imperfections and lots of scars,
And I feel I know a lot about who you are.

I'm not looking at perfection. I still like what I see.
You're not perfect. You're just perfect for me.

(Written May 8, 1994.)

***

But, of course, over time things change. Just the other day, I wrote in one of my ubiquitous little notebooks, this sentence: "When I met my wife, she was perfect – but since then she's gotten better." It wasn't a joke.

Gary D. Gaddy lost 6-0 and 6-0 to his future wife on their first-date tennis match, and is still looking for proper tennis revenge.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday September 17, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy

****

Special addendum for my on-line readers

Following my post, my California friend Jerry Meadors commented on Facebook:

Such a charming story -- and then you brought her to Richmond and came through the front door of my house and introduced Sandy to me from a great height -- that was because I was up on a ladder in my living room. And I was thrilled to meet her and certain she was a perfect mate for the likes of you. Of course, your referring to yourself in the personal ads article as "normal" still has me thinking! Sorry, you are far too eccentric to be reduced to "normal."

Then Florida friend Jan Wilhelm added:

lol....would have to agree with Jerry. Has anyone ever called Gary normal?

These multiple comments seemed to require that I defend myself thusly:

Sorry if I implied that I was normal. Not in this lifetime. After Richmond we went to Sandra's 20th Sweet Briar reunion. I wrote "Gary Gaddy" on my name tag. Underneath my name I put "Acme Dating Service." I spent most the night I apologizing for it, saying, "Sorry, but I had to, it's company policy." As I said, "Not in this lifetime."

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:50 AM EDT

Updated: Saturday, November 6, 2010 9:22 AM EDT

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CHAPEL HILL -- The ongoing internal and external investigations of the University of North Carolina football program came to an abrupt end Thursday as the NCAA acknowledged that both prongs of inquiry, the first into alleged "improper agent contact and inappropriate benefits" and the second into to alleged academic improprieties, were both the results of gross misunderstandings.

"Several UNC players," said Lissa Broome, UNC's former faculty athletics representative to the NCAA, "readily admitted to 'improper academic assistance' when being interviewed by NCAA investigators -- but we failed to clarify that this was not assistance received but assistance given."

Further, when UNC defensive tackle Marvin Austin traveled to a party in Miami, supposedly sponsored by a registered agent for professional athletes, it had been assumed that when Austin had said that "a financial contribution was involved," that that meant that the agent had funded his attendance at the party. In neither case, the NCAA now realizes were the original assumptions of improper conduct valid, according to Broome.

In an exclusive interview over dinner at Provence in Carrboro, the embattled Austin explained how the misunderstandings arose -- and what actually happened.

Austin began by saying, "Jeanine [Editor's note: This is apparently the previously unnamed tutor implicated in the investigation into improper academic assistance] was struggling in her graduate-level English class, and we (teammate Greg Little and Austin) felt, given all the help she had given us in organizing our study time and properly allocating our efforts preparing for examinations, that the least we could do would be to help her in return."

"Writing comes easy for me, as is evidenced by the 2400 tweets I posted on my Twitter account before Coach (Butch Davis) asked me to shut it down," said Austin, "so it was not hard for me to help her get off the schneid with her writer's block."

"Now, we didn't write the paper for her; we just helped with some ideas and some clever phrasing," said Austin. "It is clear from the spelling, if nothing else, that she didn't just cut and paste verbatim passages from my work," Austin said.

"I actually don't know that much about medieval characterizations of chivalry -- but I do know knights had bling. That I do know about. Greg and I have got the Black Knight thing going on, for real," Austin added as he straightened the collar on his meticulously pressed pink shirt.

As for receiving assistance from current pro and former UNC football player Kentwan Balmer this summer, Austin said, "I sold two of my nicest gold neck chains to pay for trainers to work with Kentwan in the off-season. We (Austin and former UNC player Cam Thomas) just came along to help guide the workouts. Kentwan was struggling from paycheck to paycheck at the time. If helping a friend is an NCAA violation, then so be it."

Austin, as he fiddled with his mesclun and arugula mix, also explained the purpose of the hundred or so texts and phone calls made last fall between recently resigned associate head football coach John Blake and Gary Whichard, the agent implicated in the now discredited accusations against the UNC players.

"A lot of the phone calls between Coach and Gary were to make sure that I didn't cross any lines that the NCAA has established for contact between amateur athletes and their professional counterparts," said Austin.

"Gary really knows exactly where all those lines are," added Austin.

Austin said he and Little did make a trip to Miami, but it was a field trip as an applied component of Austin's oenological studies, according to Austin. In addition to his regular full course load in the spring, Austin was enrolled in a correspondence course in Cornell University's School of Hotel Administration entitled "Wines and Spirits," which develops finer aesthetic appreciation for various libations, and which was highly recommended to him by several former UNC athletes, including football player Julius Peppers and basketball player Rasheed Wallace.

“I did attend a South Beach affair," said Austin, "but only while acting as a volunteer sommelier for this educational event. I personally brought along a full case of wine with an array of lesser-known Finger Lake appellations, but drank only two small carafes.”

"I know I am a big boy [Editor's note: The official UNC football roster lists Austin as 6'3" and 310 pounds] but I'm sorta the opposite of that scrawny little Kobayashi dude who can eat 50 hot dogs and he's just getting started," said Austin as he sipped his pinot noir. "With me, a couple of tasting glasses of petit chablis and I'm like totally tipsy and tweeting the stupidest stuff you ever read," said Austin.

Gary D. Gaddy noticed that the LSU game on Saturday night really went south for UNC right after Marvin Austin was featured on the screen.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday September 10, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
.

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:00 AM EDT

Updated: Saturday, September 25, 2010 10:57 PM EDT

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DUE TO MY HEAVY INVOLVEMENT in my niece's wedding this past weekend, I did not have time to write a column. In lieu thereof, I am publishing a copy of my thank-you note to her. My regular column should return next week.

***

Dear Anne Marie,

First off, I would like to thank you for hugging me right after your Uncle Cliff finished singing the song I wrote. (Well, me and Earl Scruggs, but you know what I'm talking about.) As you approached me, I will admit, I experienced a little trepidation. I confess that I thought you might slug me instead of hug me. In light of that I was working on a defense of my words -- but I am glad I didn't need to use it.

[Note: Defamation, which is, according to Wikipedia, also called calumny, vilification, slander (for transitory statements), and libel (for published words), communicates a claim of fact, express or implied, that cast an individual in a negative light. To be defamation, this claim must be false and communicated to someone other than the person defamed. Truth is often the best defense against a charge of defamation.]

After everything you had done to make for a perfect wedding (six beautiful bridesmaids, six handsome groomsmen, stunning you and suave John arriving in a horse-drawn carriage all adorned with flowers, flower petals strewn down the grassy aisle, and a romantically lit and decorously decorated reception hall), I clearly knew that you wanted a storybook ceremony and reception. So, I probably could have anticipated that hearing bass and banjo playing the theme music to the Beverly Hillbillies was not quite what you had in mind just after the cake cutting. (After looking over your single-spaced, three-page "Timeline for Anne Marie and John's wedding weekend," I can see that there is no entry labeled "Be embarrassed by aunt and uncles performing corny hillbilly music.")

We understand that Pachelbel's Canon in D was more what you had in mind. As for the Ballad of Anne Marie, I certainly did not intend to make any comparison between you and Jed Clampett, express or implied. I am sure you understand that that song simply provided the musical and lyrical framework by which a story might be told.

Please consider that you did become a vegetarian -- while living in a household of omnivores -- by your own decision when you were in kindergarten and have remained so ever since. This is well established, as are your dad's stories about having to order McDonalds Cheeseburger Kiddie Meals for you -- then telling them to "hold the burger."

Reliable sources at that first first-grade parent-teacher conference also state that your teacher claimed that when she tried to teach you to write your name "correctly," you said to her, and I quote, "Well, that's how you make your 'A,' this is how I make mine."

I am sure you realize that the story of your secretly feeding Daisy chocolate when you were both just pups only shows your giving nature. Sorry if any unpleasant memories of the cleanup afterward were evoked.

Also, I am sure that John understood that when our song told him that he should learn to say "Yes, ma'am," "I'm sorry" and "You're right again, honey," that is sound marital advice for any husband. (At least, that's what Sandra tells me -- to which I always reply, "You're right again, honey.")

And, despite the rhyming "gloat" and "thank-you note" lines in the song, I wouldn't really expect you, or anybody else, to write a thank-you note for what we added to your perfect wedding -- though your dad already has.

And, another thing, even though I was standing right next to the bucket of sparklers when they exploded sending all of the wedding guests scrambling and setting off the fire alarm, it wasn't my fault. Really.

Hope you and John are enjoying St. Lucia.

With love,

Your Uncle Gary

p.s. The cheeseburgers at the rehearsal dinner were really good. Tell John that I said thanks.

Gary D. Gaddy is very proud of his favorite (for this week at least) niece who is almost as hardheaded as her favorite (before this week anyway) uncle and just about exactly twice as sweet and thoughtful.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday September 3, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:33 AM EDT

Updated: Friday, September 3, 2010 10:33 AM EDT

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SOMETIMES I LIKE TO WRITE timeless columns. Now many authors have written timeless works, like Mark Twain writing Tom Sawyer, or Tolstoy writing War and Peace, or Shakespeare writing one of those plays he wrote. My timeless columns are not like that. They are the columns that I write before I go out of town, or for when I get lazy, columns which deal with eternal questions of truth and beauty, and as such are not tied to mundane day-to-day events, so they can run anytime. Like today.

U.S. brands Rolling Stone a terrorist organization

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a sniper affiliated with the periodical took out the commanding general of United States forces in Afghanistan with a single shot, the U.S. State Department has added Rolling Stone magazine to its official list of terrorist organizations.

"The End of History" sequel released

NEW YORK – Francis Fukuyama, the author of "The End of History," released today the much awaited sequel. In a radical departure for modern literature, the book, "The End of Mathematics," will have no page numbers.

Gaddy enters Times bestseller list at one

NEW YORK – While the literati have long debated the many reasons the literary works of Gary D. Gaddy have never appeared on any of the New York Times Bestseller Lists, the most obvious is obvious: he doesn't write for the narrowly defined categories to which the Times confines all literature, namely fiction and non-fiction.

Writing what would best be described as non-faction (which is a post-post-post modernist genre in which the socio-cultural boundaries are repeatedly erased and redrawn until the paper disappears and only the essence of the inter-subjective reality of reader-author mutual delusions remains), Gaddy entered the newly unveiled Times non-faction list at number one this week. There were no other entries.

Budget deficits come to halt as red ink runs out

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The federal deficit ceased growing this week for the first time in almost two decades as spending temporarily ground to a standstill while Congress seeks to find a new source of red ink.

"The printing presses are fired up and ready to roll out currency. That's not the problem. We have plenty of green ink. What we don't have is enough red ink to print Office of Management Budget charts," said Fred Pfundmaker, head of the U.S. Bureau of Printing and Engraving.

Experts say the shortage occurred as the People's Republic of China works to corner the market in red inks, dyes and tints, to be used for its printing of a new edition of the world map.

Congress All-a-Day Holiday bill to end recession

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the recession continuing on and unemployment still at or near a 70-year high, Congress acted decisively today to boost the economy by declaring every day of the year a paid holiday. Sponsors of the All-a-Day bill say it will stimulate the travel and tourism industries, help retail sales with the greatly increased number of holiday sales and reduce congestion from rush-hour traffic.

"A Monday off every now and then is fine but it wasn't the continuous push the economy needs at this time," said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

Also under consideration as a recession-busting measure is a special sales tax on items on sale.

NOW sues Mensa to allow womyn members

NEW YORK – The National Organization of Womyn has filed suit in the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York to force Mensa, the international society which limits membership to those with high IQs, to take womyn as members.

"We are puzzled by the suit frankly – and we're not puzzled by much," said Mensa president Leopold Leuchtend. "We always have allowed women – which is, by the way, spelled with an "e" and not a "y". In any case, we are, as a result of this suit, reviewing our entrance requirements and may not in the future," said Leuchtend.

The NOW suit also asks the court to require that Mensa change its name to Mynsa.

Elvis impersonators charged with identity theft

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – A nationwide sting operation has led to the arrest of over 25,000 individuals for a massive scam involving the systematic theft of the identity of Elvis Aron Presley. Despite extensive efforts, this column's reporters were unable to reach Mr. Presley for comment.

Gary D. Gaddy thinks this column may have been written by a Gary D. Gaddy impersonator.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday August 27, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy

 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:01 AM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, November 17, 2010 7:03 AM EST

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ELKINS, WEST VIRGINIA – I really would like to say that it wasn't my fault – but I can't. I really can't. Four years ago on the weekend of the Fourth of July, I made one of those fateful decisions that changes the course of a life – or two. I bought my wife a banjo.

I was careful to buy her the cheapest banjo money could buy. (What you buy your 10-year-old child for Christmas so you won't be out of too much cash when it gets played for two days before it starts gathering dust – as I figured this one would.) It was the Yugo of banjos. And I got an instructional book "With CD!" thrown in "for free" on the deal – the aptly named "Banjo for the Complete Ignoramus."

As usual, my wife did not stay an ignoramus for long. My lovely and talented wife, you see, is addicted to learning stuff. Math, computer science, law, and now, the banjo. She buys banjo books and reads them. She orders CDs and listens to them. She has me order instructional DVDs and studies them. She has Sirius radio in her car permanently attuned to the bluegrass channel. Further, she goes to banjo lessons, banjo seminars, banjo lectures, banjo camps – and she has figured out that if she is willing to drive for one hour one way, she can go to twenty-some bluegrass jams each month. (Which she hasn't done all in one month – yet.)

I quickly figured out that if I ever wanted to see her again, I needed to play a bluegrass instrument. I tried harmonica. Then, under duress from our Up Cane Creek band mates, I bought an acoustic bass guitar. (Not an upright on which there are no frets and cannot be played by someone with a tin ear – but one that looks like a pregnant guitar, like the bass they use in a mariachi band.)

Which is how the two of us ended up in Elkins, West Virginia, attending two consecutive weeks at the Augusta Heritage Center studying bluegrass and old time music. My wife came to study melodic, three-finger banjo pickin' and clawhammer frailin'. I thought I was going to study bass.

For Bluegrass Week we lived in an un-air-conditioned college dorm. And, as for the sonic booms emitting from every door closing – at all hours of day and night, I can't say they didn't tell us to bring ear plugs. We figured out the solution to that – stay up late enough jamming and you can sleep through anything.

And it was reunion week for us as there were 10, count'em 10, MerleFest JamCamp veterans at Bluegrass Week, including Dave. Dave, who wore a nametag that said Dave-Bob – to avoid confusion with the other JamCamp Daves – also wore a bright red-and-white bowling shirt that had "Frank" embroidered above the pocket. (Dave is a single dad and his 11-year-old son proudly gave it to him for his birthday.) Dave, or Dave-Bob, said he doesn't mind being called Frank.

Other notable attendees included Dr. Jon, who drove from Colorado Springs – in Colorado – to attend all five Augusta sessions, who says he is a doctor who works one week a month, and does things like going to Augusta for the other three. He made a respectable showing in the flat-foot dancing contest.

Before the two weeks were over, I had not only studied bass, but also songwriting, harmonica, harmony vocals, whistling – and yodeling from the Maudlin Brothers. And I fell in love, the most in-love I have been (with a teacher, that is) since my fourth-grade teacher, Miss Yates, announced her engagement. Miss Yates was deposed by Ms. Emily Eagen, the world whistling champion who taught harmony singing. She is, as I described her to her father – in a slight understatement – "the best teacher in the universe."

Sandra also took "Fiddle from Scratch" – which was affectionately known as "Fiddle from Screech" – by those fortunate not to be too close to the class when in session.

I have a favor to ask of my readers, will somebody please tell me not to buy her a fiddle?

Gary D. Gaddy will perform with Up Cane Creek this Saturday morning at the Summer Celebration at Reno Sharpe's Store. Lots of good music, so y'all come. (Go to sharpestoremusic.org to see festival schedule.)

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday August 20, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:01 AM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, November 17, 2010 7:03 AM EST

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A WHILE BACK MY WIFE'S FIRST COUSIN (once removed), Bobo Herring, came down from Traphill up in Wilkes County to visit his eldest son. Willy Bob, who now goes by William, is attending the University of North Carolina on a Morehead Scholarship. This is what Bobo told the folks back in Wilkes when he got home from his visit.

* * * *

The first thing Will-ee-um tolt me after I showed up down thar on that lil’ Chapel Hill was next see-mester he was a-goin' to "study a broad." I tolt him he shouldn't oughta talk that a-way about the ladies and he oughter be keepin' his eyes to hisself. Will-ee-um said he didn't mean it like that. He meant he was goin' to a furr'en country to study "another language and culture."

Seems to me Chapel Hill oughta be about another enough. And I sure couldn't rightly see why anyone would want to go to a furr'en country where they speak a language cain't no one understand. Besides, when that boy talks these days, I'd be lucky if I kin git one word of what he says. Will-ee-um says he got "diction" now. I'll be dog if'n I know what that’d be.

After meetin' what Will-ee-um said was one of his favorite perfessers, Dr. Klinegarden, it's clear as corn likker Will-ee-um could talk worse. The perfesser talked so furr'en Will-ee-um had to trans-a-late fer us.

Will-ee-um said Dr. Klinegarden had a named chair in the English de-part-ment. I tolt Doc Klinegarden that that was real nice but back home I had a whole set a-rockers up on my porch -- but I didn't call 'em nothin'. Will-ee-um and him, they laughed and laughed. Why the fore, I do not know.

Then Will-ee-um said he was goin' to take me over to Felzer's field, where I was 'spectin' to see some cows or corn or somethin' worth the while, but it was another'n a-them sportin' contests Chapel Hillers are likin' so much. The field was akin to that'n I saw from that there Pope's Box over in Kingdom Stadium last fall but there wadn’t so many lines on it and these boys they weren't so big as them football young'uns.

When we got up closer, I could see they weren't no boys at'all. They was girls! I never seen the like of it. Them girls was runnin' all over the place in their skivvies, what like them tall young'uns was wearin' in that Dean's Dome last winter. Some of those gals was wearin' baby blue but other'n of 'em was wearin' skimpy outfits red as a devil suit. Will-ee-um said they was a pack of wolfs; and they sure did act like it, knockin’ them blue girls down ever chance they got.

Will-ee-um said it was football. I said it weren't. I seen a football match and this weren't it. Will-ee-um then said, real slow, it was fútbol, not football, and that's how they say it in Spain, where he says he's a-goin' to study a-broad. He said he was a-goin' to study Spanish which is what they talk in Spain and over at that Mex-ee-can restaurant we went to over in Boone once't.

On the field, them convicts was back, this time the only thing they was a-doin’ is a-blowin' their whistles and a-handin’ out lil’ red and yeller cards, sorta like them car sellers over in Hick’ry when you walk on their lot.

Anyway, them girls was runnin' back and forth and back again, like they was bein' chased by a whole nest of hornets -- but kickin' a head of cauliflow'r as they was a-goin'. Every now and agin, one of ‘em would smack that cauliflow’r with their forehead, just like Verne Thomasson did to Elmore Pritcherd's noggin when he got in a tussle with them Pritcherd boys over Lula Mae Alcott.

There was big scoop nets sittin' at both ends of that field. (Them scoop net were like you'd use to get minners at Lineberger's Store when you're a-goin' up to Macedony Pond fishin' 'ceptin' way bigger.) It seemed kinda like most of 'em fútbol gals wanted to kick that cauliflow'r in one or the other of 'em nets, but they was two big gals standin’ right in 'em who'd have nothin' of it. They'd punch that cauliflow'r, and hit it and kick it back to the other end. Then they'd all start over again.

I never could fer the life of me figger what was the point to it. Nobody never did get a cauliflow'r in one of 'em nets.

After that convict blew his whistle one long last time, them girls lined up and shook hands as nice as can be. But I'm thinkin' if they're anything like Lula Mae Alcott, that won't be the end of nothin'.

Gary D. Gaddy never played fútbol with any girls.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday August 13, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:57 AM EDT

Updated: Saturday, September 25, 2010 11:06 PM EDT

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I GOT UP LATE yesterday morning. I was still lounging around in my pajamas, reading the saved up papers, trying to catch up on the news I missed while on my beach vacation. I was feeling kind of hurried -- since my wife and I are leaving for a two-week-long mountain hiatus on Sunday -- when I read an article that stopped me in my tracks.

This preposterous article was a news report that came out last week saying that North Carolina is the fourth laziest state in the United States. I was disappointed, dismayed and ready to dismember whoever authored this ridiculous report. How could anyone suggest that our beloved North Carolina is the fourth laziest state? We are far better than that.

I can tell you this, we're not behind Louisiana, Mississippi or Arkansas in anything -- and certainly not laziness. I refuse to accept that we Tar Heels are any lower than first.

These so-called scientists say we're fat (ranked 10th) and don't exercise enough. Leisure time spent on “physically inactive” activities, including surfing the Web, they don’t consider "exercise." Obviously, these researchers have never seen me "surfing the web." I get more exercised "surfing the web" than Lance Armstrong gets climbing the Pyrenees. When I started researching this article on-line, my heart rate doubled and my blood pressure about went through the roof. Man, I was exercised.

These guys probably never visited our fair state. I say, along with Lamar Caulder, of Raleigh, "Let them come to see if we're lazy." I say, "Come with me to any Golden Corral in North Carolina, and watch the people hiking back and forth to the food bar dozens of times, and then tell me we don't get any exercise."

Sadly, based on the letters to the editor following this article, some North Carolinians think that being lazy is a bad thing. Obviously, these people aren't thinking very much. (Do note that thinking too much is one of the factors that got North Carolina a fourth-place, rather than a first-place, finish in the lazy race.)

Laziness, my friends, is not a problem. Laziness is the solution -- to about every problem.

Laziness is the engine of progress

Most Americans don't realize that the problem with America today is not too many lazy people; it is that there aren't enough lazy people. The real progress of mankind has not been made by the hard work of diligent laborers, as the ignorami suppose. Real progress comes from work-shirking lazy people. At my best, I have been one of those deliverers of progress. At times I have been so lazy that I spent all day trying to save five minutes worth of work.  

"There has got to be an easier way" is not just the catchphrase of the sluggard; it is the mantra of progress. Every labor-saving device was invented by a lazy person. The hard-working worker gets out a shovel and digs a hole. The lazy man gets out of the hole and invents the backhoe. Which would you say, despiser of the lazy man, does more good?

Robert Heinlein, who wrote books for us to read in our leisure time, said it well: "Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."

I read the biography of Thomas Edison who patented more than a thousand inventions while sleeping something like two hours a night. My thought, how many thousands would he have had if he had ever gotten a good night’s rest? The great chemist Frederick Kekulé discovered the circular molecular structure of benzene in a dream about a snake biting its own tail. You don't get that kind of deep revelation catching catnaps like Edison.

 So, relax as you meditate on this thought-provoking column, knowing you are helping North Carolina take its place at the top.

Gary D. Gaddy works hard at being a man of leisure.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday August 6, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:32 AM EDT

Updated: Saturday, July 31, 2010 6:37 PM EDT

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DURHAM -- Duke University head men's basketball coach Michael Krzyzewski's 30-year coaching reign effectively ended on Tuesday, say multiple sources close to the program. The Plumlee Family Syndicate, LLC, now has full operational control of the basketball program in respect to every decision from making the season schedule to managing individual players' playing times to selecting targets for future recruiting, according to an unnamed source on the basketball staff.

Krzyzewski will remain as figurehead, losing neither his position nor pay, just his power, the insiders say.

The shift involved no action on the part of the Duke University athletic administration or the university as a whole. Neither Duke Athletic Director Kevin M. White nor University President Richard H. Brodhead knew of this seismic shift in the university's premier athletic program at the time of this article's first press run.

"What happened here is unprecedented in college athletics," said John Feinstein, who is a sports writer, sports analyst and a Duke graduate with connections inside the Duke basketball program.

"This occurred purely as a matter within the basketball program -- and even then it was not a revolt of the coaching staff or the players, but a legally mandated transfer of power within the program. It was something that could only happen in a purely democratic organization like a Krzyzewski-led basketball team," said Feinstein.

Every decision on the Blue Devil team, from starting lineups to last-second play calls, has always been made by straight one-person, one-vote by the team, with Krzyzewski only voting to break ties, according to Feinstein. "It is the same system he used with the Olympic team," said Feinstein, "except with Team USA, of course, K (Krzyzewski) doesn't break the ties, (former Duke player Carlos) Boozer does that."

How this happened, Feinstein says, is clear: Krzyzewski was caught off guard in what he thought was a recruiting coup of the first order. Even as a master manager, some rivals say manipulator, of people, Krzyzewski never foresaw the full ramification of one recent recruiting decision. Many outsiders thought the tipping point occurred with the commitment to Duke of Marshall Plumlee, the younger brother of two current players, rising-junior Miles Plumlee and rising-sophomore Mason Plumlee -- but Feinstein said not.

The key event was the signing of a written contract made between Krzyzewski and Perky Plumlee, the father of Miles, Mason and Marshall, before the eldest son, Miles, would commit to Duke. According to Feinstein, the contract guaranteed scholarship offers to "any Division-I-eligible Plumlee family member" -- which is the clause that got Krzyzewski commitments from Mason and Marshall -- as he expected -- but also brought commitments to five other family members.

These include the Plumlee brothers’ father, Perky, their mother, Leslie, their uncle, Chad Schultz, another uncle, William Schultz, and their grandfather, Albert Schultz.

After gaining a majority voting bloc on the Duke University men's basketball team, the Plumlee family immediately took full control. Perky spoke frankly earlier this week about what the family's overall commitment means for Duke. "It means all Plumlees, all the time," said Perky.

Incredibly, it is not clear, college basketball analysts say, that the Blue Devils will not actually be better over the next several years with the little-used Plumlees and their kin dominating the Blue Devil roster than the past season's national championship team.

Perky, besides being a lawyer, played basketball at Tennessee Tech. Uncle Chad played basketball at Wisconsin-Oshkosh from 1983-1986. Uncle William played basketball at Wisconsin-Eau Claire, the NAIA national runner-up team for the 1971-1972 season. And Grandfather Albert played basketball at Michigan Tech in 1944 and the U.S. Air Force Service Team in 1945.

Mother Leslie played basketball at Purdue, and, analysts noted, is a trained pharmacist.

It is unclear whether the youngest Plumlee sibling, sister Madeline, has any interest in basketball, but if she does, she will also be guaranteed a spot on the men’s roster.

Gary D. Gaddy’s favorite niece (this week anyway), who used to be someone who spit after saying the name of Tyler Hansbrough, recently wrote of herself: "Anyone who knows me will tell you that I bleed Carolina Blue."

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday July 30, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, July 28, 2010 8:31 PM EDT

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CHAPEL HILL -- Swirls of speculation and unprecedented journalistic frenzy -- stirred by the recent Lebronathon -- came to a head this week with the growing recognition that a local iconic superstar could bolt on The Chapel Hill Herald, like James did the Cleveland Cavaliers, at a moment's notice.

Gary D. Gaddy's free agency, they came to realize, had created an opportunity for him to re-sculpt the local media landscape for a generation, a prospect which frightened The Chapel Hill Herald's management almost as much as it excited its competitors and exhilarated the remaining reading public.

Rumors were rife that Gaddy, The Chapel Hill Herald's leading regular Friday columnist, was being actively courted by an array of media outlets, including The Carrboro Citizen, Carrboro Free Press, The Chapel Hill News, The Daily Tar Heel, The News of Orange County, Community Sports News, Chapel Hill (magazine), WCHL-AM, WCOM-LP, WUNC- FM, WUNC-TV, Southern Neighbor and The Peoples Channel.

Insiders in Gaddy's camp quickly quashed speculation that Gaddy might move to Carolina Woman, which includes Orange County in its distribution area.

Despite initial indications Gaddy was set on leaving for greener (in dollar value) pastures, sources close to people close to lower middle management in the Paxton Media Group (of Paducah, Kentucky) say that The Chapel Hill Herald continued to work overtime with Gaddy's coterie of lawyer and agent to keep him on their non-payroll.

"My team talked to other teams about building a new team, but the Herald people just teamed up on me," said Gaddy.

"My Dan (CH Herald editor Dan Way) has been a lot smarter than their Dan (Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert) in dealing with prospect of a superstar leaving for a place with more championship mojo," said Gaddy in a news release leaked to the press by Gaddy's media handlers.

"I don't want to compare myself to LeBron James -- who knows if he can even write 141 characters in a row on single topic? -- but, like BronBron, Gary Gaddy has to do what will make Gary Gaddy happy," said Gary Gaddy via a post on GaryGaddy.com.

"That's not selfish. If Gary Gaddy is not happy, nobody in his entourage is going to be happy," said Gaddy.

Gaddy explained The Decision to stay at The Chapel Hill Herald this way: "I have a great supporting cast at the Herald. (Dan) Way doesn't screw with my stuff. (Bob) Ashley only feels compelled to respond every now and then to my columns. And (Nancy) Wykle fixes the Herald website instantly whenever I ask. It's like staying at a really nice Motel Six. They always leave the light on," said Gaddy.

"When (Neil) Offen (formerly the titular head of the Chapel Hill Herald) got bumped to Durham, I considered a move then. But I decided to give the new guy a try. Both of them (Offen and Way) are knowledgeable and experienced journalists, so neither of them ever had a clue what to do with my stuff. But they’re both just smart enough to just leave well enough alone,” said Gaddy.

"They don't even mess with my spilling and grammer. In fact, after 'correcting' some of my non-errors into errors (Yes, it is the Geneva Conventions, with an 's' on the end, guys), they even stopped 'fixing' my tpyos. Every writer wants to work at a place like this. Talk about fredom of speach, I got it,” said Gaddy.

It is reported by people close to people close to WCHL’s Ron Stutts, that despite Gaddy's broadcast-quality voice, Gaddy had quickly eliminated local market radio and TV from any serious consideration.

"Anybody who knows me, knows I am only here on earth for one reason: to win. I keep my eyes on the Prize. It's all about Pulitizers for me. No disrespect to the Emmy, but 'Frasier' won 37 of the things," Gaddy said in an exclusive interview with GaryGaddy.com.

"And radio? Nobody even knows what their awards are called. How lame is that? Who stays up late listening to the Marconi's?” Gaddy asked.

The next stage of The Decision is in preparation: a 16-page full-color supplement to The Chapel Hill Herald, entitled “The Decision,” which will be a pictorial history of Gary Gaddy's illustrious career, thus far, with The Chapel Hill Herald.  The Decision will feature hand-selected advertisements from Gaddy’s favorite area eateries, including Vimala’s Curry Blossom Café in the Courtyard on West Franklin, Squid’s on Fordham Boulevard, Saratoga Grill on Churton Street in historic Hillsborough and Carrburrito’s in Carrboro on Rosemary near the intersection with Main.

Gary D. Gaddy remains, decidedly,The Chapel Hill Herald's leading regular Friday columnist.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday July 16, 2010.

Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy
 

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:52 AM EDT

Updated: Thursday, July 15, 2010 9:58 AM EDT

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